1999

__NOWYSIWYG__
{{note| Just a gangbangin' finger-lickin' disclaimer, dis Snoop Bloggy-Blogg is ghon be updated every last muthafuckin once up in a while, so check back if you wanna peep more.}}
“Da year is nineteen-ninety-nine.”
That sentence brangs me back ta mah ballin' kindergarten class when I was five muthafuckin years old, where we used ta read up tha date on tha blackboard every last muthafuckin single day. It make me wanna hollar playa! Da year 1999 exists as a stain up in mah mind however, as a memory dat aint gonna go away no matta how tha fuck I try ta forget dat shit. 1999 marked tha year I lost mah first tooth, mah last time on a plane, n' unfortunately tha early loss of mah childhood innocence.
That one memory dat refuses ta be wiped, all dat shiznit started wit dat freshly smoked up (or old) TV fo' realz. At dat time Pokémon was tha sickest fuckin fad ta hit tha school. Pokémon cards, games, stickers, n' da most thugged-out popular, tha TV show. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So of course every last muthafuckin time I came home from school, I would stay glued ta tha TV until Pokémon came on at five. Da only problem was dat mah daddy peeped tha shizzle at 5:30, n' Pokémon episodes was back-to-back, which meant I had ta miss a episode everyday, suttin' I whined on n' on about. My fuckin daddy gots pissed wit hearin me diss everyday, dat must be why da thug went n' looted another TV.
My fuckin daddy put tha TV his thugged-out lil' punk-ass looted up in mah room, unfortunately dat shiznit was just a old, lil' small-ass boob tube, wit rabbit ears even. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Well shiiiit, it also only had 20 channels available; not includin tha channel Pokémon was on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I recall I didn’t care though, I was just thrilled I had mah own TV up in mah room fo' realz. Afta surfin all up in tha channels, I came ta tha conclusion dat only channel 2 (TVO kids) was worth watchin so I peeped dat fo' a while. Well shiiiit, it wasn’t fo' another few months until I discovered channel 21. One dizzle up in April, I was flippin all up in tha channels, tryin ta peep if Pokémon was on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I pressed channel 21 tha fuck into tha remote, hopin there was mo' channels, n' ta mah delight there was. My fuckin daddy was surprised too yo, but he let me peep it cuz it seemed ta have lil playas programs on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da channel was called Caledon Local 21 n' lata I found up dat shiznit was indeed broadcasted from tha hood of Caledon, Ontario, a hood straight-up close ta mah hood.
Da shows I saw on Caledon Local 21 looked skankyly made, n' I never understood what tha fuck was goin on up in dem half tha time yo. However as I grew up, every last muthafuckin time I thought of dat channel, I realized mo' n' mo' how tha fuck messed up tha shows was n' I had ta ask mah dirty ass “What tha fuck was I watching?”
Da followin be a list of shows n' episodes I remember seein on Caledon Local 21, how tha fuck I remember such detail even disturbs me yo, but I guess thangs like dis stand up in yo' mind fo' a while. There was only three shows I could find on tha channel, probably cuz tha channel was only operationizzle between 4:00pm n' 9:00pm
;April, 1999
Booby-Episode 6: “Together”: I recall Booby was a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass show where tha charactas was simply live action hands, no puppets or anything, just hands. Da show featured a hand named Booby whoz ass found his dirty ass up in a freshly smoked up thang every last muthafuckin episode. Da show was only 5 minutes long, n' looked like it gots popped up in front of a thugged-out damp, decayin wall, wit tha handz always on a table wit a red table cloth(Straight-up low budget obviously). This was tha straight-up original gangsta episode I watched. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da episode fuckin started wit Booby tryin ta git ketchup outta a funky-ass bottle. Well shiiiit, it straight-up flossed his ass whoopin his dirty ass against tha bottom of tha forty fo' a phat 3 minutes. Finally another hand came by n' looked at Booby. “Together” Da other hand holla'd, n' it fuckin started whoopin tha forty as well, until some ketchup finally squirted up all over tha table (I remember chucklin slightly at dis part). Booby then stared all up in tha ketchup mess fo' all dem seconds, before turnin towardz tha camera as it slowly zoomed up in on his muthafuckin ass.
Mista MuthafuckinBear’s Cellar-Episode 12 : Straight-up sketchy name if you was ta peep it now a thugged-out days. Da show featured a muthafucka bustin a funky-ass bear mascot costume whoz ass would git a freshly smoked up visitor tha fuck into his cellar everyday. It make me wanna hollar playa! (Dat shiznit was always a kid) Da show was filmed wit a cold-ass lil camcorder, n' not a straight-up phat one either n' shit. Da five-o axed mah crazy ass a shitload of thangs bout dis show. This episode started wit Mista Muthafuckin Bear chillin at a table playin checkers by his dirty ass (I didn’t recognize it at first yo, but tha table was tha same ol' dirty one from Booby) yo. Dude sat there playin fo' a lil' bit until there was a knock on tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da camera was then lookin up tha stairs all up in tha door, where there was another knock. Mista Muthafuckin Bear climbed tha stairs, n' opened tha door ta reveal two lil' lil' thugs. One was a funky-ass pimp bout mah age, n' tha other was a hoe whoz ass looked bout eight.
Mista Muthafuckin Bear danced up in delight, n' then started rappin' ta tha kids; I couldn’t hear any of dem dat well I remember n' shit. Mista Muthafuckin Bear then lead tha lil playas tha fuck into tha cellar, which was like dark, only lit by a lil' small-ass oil lamp on tha table. I can’t straight-up remember dat much more, except his ass rappin a cold lil' woo wop which I couldn’t hear too well either (Probably cuz of dat big-ass bear mask). Da episode ended wit dem playin hide-and-seek, wit tha lil playas hidin up in a cold-ass lil closet, n' Mista Muthafuckin Bear counting.
;May, 1999
Soup n' Spoon: I don’t be thinkin dis was even a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass show, I be thinkin dat shiznit was mo' of a special porno thang fo' realz. All I know is I stopped watchin Caledon Local 21 fo' a while cuz I thought dis show was too stupid, especially since Pokemon now came on at 4:30 n' 5:00. I don’t remember much of dis yo, but it flossed a cold-ass lil can of chronic n' a spoon both attached ta strings, swingin back n' forth, as if one of mah thugs was holdin dem n' danglin dem up in front of tha camera. Interestingly enough, tha show gots popped up in a funky-ass basement, which looked just like tha one used up in Mista Muthafuckin Bear’s Cellar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Like I holla'd, I can’t remember much, tha only thang I can remember clearly was tha end.
Da entire thang was only half a hour, n' just include shiznit I found stupid, like fuckin tha spoon chasin tha chronic round tryin ta “Eat him”. Da endin flossed a table (the one from Booby once again) n' bout seven lil playas chillin round it, each wit a funky-ass bowl of chronic up in front of em. They was chillin n' lookin all up in tha camera yo, but wit confused, almost frightened faces. Da camera playa then held tha can of chronic up in front of tha lil playas n' holla'd “Spooooons ready?” And then it just stopped.
;July, 1999
Dat shiznit was summer, n' I hadn't peeped channel 21 fo' a while. Until one dizzle when I slept over at mah playa’s doggy den I decided ta check it up again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. My fuckin playa had gotten a TV up in his bangin room fo' his sixth birthday, so we stayed up straight-up late (For us, 9:30 was straight-up late) n' peeped TV. That’s when I remembered channel 21 n' brought it up ta mah playa yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. Us dudes decided ta peep if dat shiznit was on, n' ta our surprise dat shiznit was (They must have chizzled tha broadcastin time).
Mista Muthafuckin Bear’s Cellar-Episode 23: This episode was entertainin fo' mah playa n' I, mainly cuz it had sbustin. But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat now when I be thinkin of dis episode, I realize suttin' was definitely wack when dat shiznit was filmed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da episode started wit tha camera on its side, while dat shiznit was facin Mista Muthafuckin Bear, whoz ass was struttin up stairs ta tha cellar door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da camera then blacked up fo' on some second, before fadin in, back upright, n' facin Mista Muthafuckin Bear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. There was also another kid rappin' ta his ass yo, but dis kid looked bout eleven or twelve.
Dude was rappin' ta Mista Muthafuckin Bear fo' a while yo, but I couldn't hear well (Again wit tha crappy camcorder) until tha kid started raisin his voice. Da kid was sayin how tha fuck dat shiznit was late n' his sista had ta bounce back ta tha doggy den, you could also hear mo' voices up in tha background. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I remember Mista Muthafuckin Bear clearly sayin “Git tha fuck out, you not invited.” wit a thugged-out deep voice muffled by tha bear mask. I remember mah playa n' I lookin at each other n' bustin up all up in tha mention of tha forbidden F word yo, but tha episode gots weirder n' shit. Da kid fuckin started climbin tha stairs before turnin round n' sayin how tha fuck da thug was goin ta booty-call tha police. Mista Muthafuckin Bear fuckin started breakin tha fuck into a run towardz tha kid, whoz ass started beatboxin n' hustlin as well. Da camera then cut out, n' dat was tha end of tha episode. Da channel then turned ta static shortly after.
Booby-episode 42: “Playin wit scissors”: One wet-ass afternoon I was bored, so I decided ta peep channel 21. When I started watching, some show on some muthafucka chillin up in a armchair was just finishing, I forget what tha fuck dat shiznit was bout though cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. When I first saw dis episode, I thought dat shiznit was fo' teenagers cuz it had blood up in it, n' dat shiznit was straight-up gross. When tha five-o holla'd at mah crazy ass every last muthafuckin thang, I now know whoz ass tha blood belonged to. Da episode flossed Booby n' another hand wit a ribbon round tha pinkie finger (Booby’s hoe). Booby was holdin scissors n' hoppin round back n' forth, while his wild lil' freakadelic hoe slowly swung round aimlessly.
Another hand blasted onto tha scene, dis hand was smalla though n' was jerkin round violently, as if one of mah thugs under tha table was forcin tha hand (And I lata found up dis was tha case) “Scissors is straight-up fucked up kids, so hold dem safely” Booby holla'd ta tha camera. I noticed I could also hear muffled screams yo, but I wasn’t shizzle where dat shiznit was comin from cuz of tha wack sound quality.
Booby’s hoe grabbed tha smalla hand, which was thrashin about, n' Booby went at it wit tha scissors yo. Dude started wit tha thumb, Dude opened tha scissors wide n' clasped dem onto tha thumb, blood fuckin started oozin up n' tha muffled screams was now straight-up loud. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! My fuckin five year oldschool self was straight-up grossed up n' that’s when I decided maybe Booby was a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass show meant fo' teenagers or grown ups. Then tha scissors gots ta tha bone, a wack crunchin noise was heard, n' that’s when I turned tha TV off. I never discussed it wit mah daddy cuz I feared da thug would limit mah TV time.
;August, 1999
I didn’t wanna peep channel 21 afta dat Booby episode. In August I grew mo' curious ta peep Mista Muthafuckin Bear’s cellar fo' some reason though cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. Da last episode I saw of Mista Muthafuckin Bear was weird, n' had sbustin, which also made me be thinkin tha show was meant fo' teenagers. Nonetheless, I flipped onto channel 21 when mah daddy was busy.
Mista Muthafuckin Bear’s Cellar-Episode 28: Apparently dis episode had been playin tha entire month of August. Dat shiznit was studied a shitload by tha police. Da entire episode was just Mista Muthafuckin Bear chillin up in a cold-ass lil chair rappin' ta tha crew. “Wuz crackalackin' kidz muthafucka! Do you wanna visit mah cellar, biatch? If you do, please write me a letta at dis address!” Da screen then switched ta a white screen wit multi-colored lettas readin tha address, n' dat was what tha fuck remained fo' tha rest of tha episode.
And guess what tha fuck I straight-up did, biatch? I busted “Mista Muthafuckin Bear”, or dat sick bastard whoz ass portrayed his ass a letter n' shit. I done did it outta curiositizzle mostly; mah daddy was OK wit it cuz tha pimpin' muthafucka thought dat shiznit was a legit kid show yo, but then again n' again n' again he never saw any of what tha fuck was on channel 21. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I freestyled a letta rockin mah dopest freestylin possible, I be thinkin I just holla'd how tha fuck I wanted ta hook up Mista Muthafuckin Bear, n' if Booby also lived up in tha cellar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So mah daddy busted tha letta ta tha address Mista Muthafuckin Bear holla'd on tha show (it stayed on all dizzle anyway fo' some reason).
It took on some week ta git a response, which I was surprised I done did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I still have tha letta I received August 15, 1999. Da letta read:
“Dear Elliot, Nuff props eva so-much fo' yo' letter, I would ludd ta have you up in mah cellar playa! We play games, peep pornos, n' go fire campin up in tha middle of tha woods!
“And fo'sho, Booby do live up in mah cellar; he be a phat playa of mine!
“Come ta mah doggy den at (Da five-o cut up dis address), 'Caledon', 'Ontario', 'CA'.
“I look straight-up forward ta havin funk wit you, nahmean biiiatch?
Love, Mista Muthafuckin Bear”
I can not believe mah daddy never found dis sketchy, cuz he straight-up took me ta tha crib fo' realz. And then that’s when tha five-o became involved, dem endless thangs, dem picturez of terrified kids, tha woods...
That brangs me ta why I’m freestylin dis blog, dat psycho n' his wild lil' playaz did some fucked up shiznit back then, n' now it seems he’s tryin ta git tha fuck into contact wit me again, tha entire five-o thang is comin back. That has brought 1999 back ta me, over a thugged-out decade lata it is goin down again.
;[Update] - 09/21/11
Muthafuckas done been emailin me askin what tha fuck exactly happened up in 1999, I'ma git ta dis shit. Those weird TV shows I was watchin apparently was meant ta attract lil playas ta Mista Muthafuckin Bearz house, what tha fuck Mista Muthafuckin Bear did shocked tha entire town.
My fuckin daddy straight-up drove me ta Caledon along wit tha address Mista MuthafuckinBear left on tha letter n' shit. Da doggy den was straight-up up in tha up skirtz of tha town, up in tha open farmland. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I still remember dat house. Well shiiiit, it looked like a olda farmhouse dat looked ta done been built up in tha early 1900s. Da windows was all boarded up, n' tha doggy den looked up in a state of disrepair fo' realz. As we strutted up ta tha house, I remember mah daddy checkin tha address over n' over again n' again n' again n' lookin all up in tha doggy den up in disbelief. Then tha door opened.
I expected Mista Muthafuckin Bear ta be all up in tha door yo, but I was surprised ta peep a five-o fool emerge from tha creakin doorway. Da fool fuckin started rappin' ta mah dad, while I quickly axed if dat was Mista Muthafuckin Bearz house. Da foolz grill cringed slightly n' muttered "Oh God" or suttin' like dis shiznit yo. Dude started rappin' on tha fuckin' down-lowly ta mah daddy so I couldn't hear, although mah daddy holla'd at mah crazy ass ta git all up in tha hoopty anyway fo' realz. And then our laid-back asses just went home. My fuckin daddy was on tha down-low tha whole way home. I felt suttin' strange had happened.
My fuckin daddy never holla'd at mah crazy ass what tha fuck happened fo' a while, I forgot bout it anyway like a muthafucka. Channel 21 no longer came on, n' when I axed bout it mah daddy would not acknowledge its existence. I be thinkin dat shiznit was when I was 13 where I hustled tha real deal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. I remembered channel 21 one day, n' axed mah daddy bout dat shit. I guess he finally decided I should hear tha real deal.
Caledon Local 21 was a local TV channel dat ran from October 1997-August 1999 up in tha Peel Region of Ontario. Da entire channel was made from a doggy den up in Caledon (Da one I hit up) n' run by a playa whoz ass was not straight-up known by mah playas up in tha town. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da channel was only available ta olda TVs cuz tha signal was one only picked up by rabbit ears (Weaker frequency). Da playa pimped all tha shows on tha channel, all of which was kid shows yo. His hand was Booby, Dude was Mista Muthafuckin Bear, n' da thug was tha mysterious cameraman. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da real reason his schmoooove ass pimped tha channel was mo' disturbin than what tha fuck was originally thought fo' realz. As you might have already guessed, he kidnapped lil playas n' held dem up in his cellar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. But while most playas thought da thug was a serial lil pimp molester, he straight-up wanted ta use tha lil playas fo' another purpose. Da dizzle I arrived, tha playa had fled his fuckin lil' doggy den tha night before, tha dizzle before tha five-o went up in fo' they investigation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I wasn't tha only one whoz ass was watching.
;[Update] - 11/09/11
Sorry fo' not answerin any thangs fo' so long, I haven’t accessed mah email account fo' some time fo' realz. Anyway let me finally set thangs straight bout what tha fuck I know. Back up in October, I hit up tha doggy den previously owned by tha playa whoz ass ran Caledon Local 21. Two dem hoes lived there, operatin a thugged-out dizzle care bidnizz... how tha fuck ironic. Now ta answer tha thangs you muthafuckas emailed ta me:
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''Dear Elliot,''
''My fuckin dear, dear boy,''
''I have missed you eva so much, oh how tha fuck you’ve grown! Yo crazy-ass twinklin eyes have stayed tha same however, dem eyes lookin fo' adventure, oh how tha fuck imaginin dem brangs warmth ta mah oldschool bear ass. That dizzle you came ta git on over ta me I felt so aiiight I wanted ta go up n' pick strawberries yo. Dude holla'd at mah crazy ass you would come looking! Oh yeaaaa tha pimpin' muthafucka holla'd at mah crazy ass you would come looking!''
''Now it is ghon be soon, you won’t be all kindsa lonely soon! I’m eva so sorry I couldn’t say wassup when you came ta visit, not once, 2 times muthafucka! Do not threat however, yo big-ass booty is ghon soon finally git ta fuck wit tha other lil' thugs. I'ma try makin mah cellar even mo' cozier than before!!!''
''100 fuzzy hugs,''
''Mista Muthafuckin Bear''

INRI

INRI

[Update] - 04/14/15