I have always been a fan of the Fire Emblem series ever
since the first ones came out in America (international release dates pls). It
was only a couple of months ago that I heard Nintendo was going to release
another one called Fire Emblem Fates and I was stoked for it. I grabbed my
shekels and couldn’t wait for it to be release. I was so ready but then I
realised something. It was already out on Japan. I cursed the gods and almost
hung myself because the idea of international release dates is to difficult to
fathom for some people. I was willing to give up. If I couldn’t get the game
here in America than I would just get it in Japan. The only problem was that I
owned an American 3DS which could not play Japanese games. I became extremly
depressed after finding this out and decided to go to the local gun store and
buy a pistol to shoot myself with cause I live in America where it is easier to
buy a gun than a Japanese video game.
On
my way there I saw a strange looking man. He was missing 12.31 of his teeth and
wore a shirt that said “I’m the creepy guy in every Creepypasta that moves the
plot forward.” He came up to me and took something out of his pants. It was the
special edition of Fire Emblem Fates. “Konnichiwa! I work for Nintendo and I
have been given the rights to sell you this game which can be played on an American
3DS!” he exclaimed as I grabbed out my shekels. “HOW MUCH!” I screamed not
thinking once about how this was probably a scam. “It only cost 420 shekels,”
he told me somehow knowing I was the only person in America who buys things in
shekels. I threw 420 shekels at him and grabbed the game. I was so excited to
get home that I accidently got hit by a car on my way there. When I eventually
got out of the hospital, I put the cartridge into my 3DS.
The
first strange thing that I noticed was that the game wasn’t called Fire Emblem
Fates. Instead the title for some reason was CAMILLA.EXE which was weird cause
I wasn’t playing this on a PC. Instead of realising that I was gipped like any
other person would do I decided to continue playing the game. I was greeted
with Camilla who seem to be missing the leather strap over one of her boobs.
Also she had hyper realistic blood (by hyper realistic blood I mean some
autistic 12 year old who thinks Five Nights at Freddy’s is the greatest thing
to happen since skinshipping drew some red scribbles over a picture of Camilla
in paint) all over her. I guessed it was someone else’s blood since she seemed
pretty fine. I didn’t really think anything about it because if I did then the
plot couldn’t move forward. I couldn’t create a character I was just given one
who kinda resembled an overly edgy and angsty teenager. Why? I don’t know.
I
was instantly thrown into a battle for some reason; I didn’t get a cut scene or
anything. I saw that my units were my avatar, Servera (what a bitch), Azura,
Takumi, Chrom, Pieri, Marth, Marth again, Marth a third time, Lucina (Marth in
drag), Inigo, Dio Brando, Ryoma, Xander, Joseph Stalin, Arthur, and Marth. I
looked to see how many units I was fighting only to see one, Camilla. I had
never played Fire Emblem Fates up to now so I guessed it was how the game just
went. Camilla got to move first which was strange since in Fire Emblem the
player moves first. She first attacked Arthur. I was given the normal cut scene
of two units fighting except it was not normal. Camilla attacked quick and
beheaded Arthur. Hyper realistic blood poured from the hyper realistic stump
that his hyper realistic head use to be. Camilla gave out a laugh that I could
recognize as Blue Snow’s laugh. I was only slightly horrified. Never have I
ever seen a death scene so brutal in Fire Emblem. In fact I never knew a unit
could die like that, even in classic mode (btw anyone who plays casual or dare
I say phoenix mode is a moron).
This
time it was my turn. I didn’t know what unit to use since this was an entirely
new game to me. I decided to make Takumi attack Camilla. A cut scene appeared
and instead of Takumi attacking Camilla, Camilla lifted up her axe and drove it
right down the middle of Takumi. He started to hyper realistically split in
half. “Well shit,” I thought to myself. I had already lost 2 units. I reached
for the restart button but Camilla said something. “I wouldn’t do that if I
were you,” she said in a really spoopy voice. Unlike what most people would do
in the same situation, I decided to continue playing the game. Camilla then
attacked Ryoma. He ended up like my other 2 units hyper realistically murder in
overly gruesome ways. It was my turn and I was honestly afraid of moving any of
my units.
I decided this time to move Xander to see if
Camilla would kill her own brother. The cut scene popped up ad Camilla used her
axe to slice Xander into 2 pieces. Hyper realistic blood was spilling
everywhere. I wanted to throw up and I did. It was Camilla’s turn again. This time
she attacked Marth. I knew if anyone could stop this madness it would be the
great he... shit he died. I would have been sad that he died but I realised I
have another Marth. Again as with all the others the Marth I had to attack
Camilla was killed.
I was extremely worried at this point. What if
the spirit of some dead kid was haunting the game? What if it was some sort of
demon from another universe? Maybe it was the spirit of my dead girlfriend who
doesn’t exist? These questions even lead to more. Why was Camilla killing my
units in such brutal ways? Why are the death scenes so bloddy? Why the fuck was
Dio in my Fire Emblem game? Is this some sort of hack? Why was this happening
to me? Who is the batman? When will this bloodshed end? Why do I have 4 Marths?
Was getting this game really the best idea? Who would do something like this? Who
is best waifu? Is there a way to stop this madness? All of these questions and
more rushed throughout my head.
I
realised that in my time spent pondering such important questions that Camilla
skipped my turn several times and killed Chrom, Inigo, Marth, Joseph Stalin,
and Marth. “Hey you can’t skip my turn like that!” I yelled as if Camilla could
hear me. I could hear Blue Snow’s laugh again. “Do you think I honestly care?”
she asked me. I could no longer move any of my units anymore. She headed to
Severa first. “BAKA!” yelled Severa as Camilla proceded to hyper realistically
chop off all of Severa’s limbs. To be honest I really didn’t care if Severa
died since she was a bitch. Next was Lucina who looked as flat as the great
planes of america compared to the himalayas that was Camilla. Camilla hyper
realistically disembowelled Lucina hyper realistically.
All
of the hyper realistic blood was making me hyper realistically sick. Surely
Pieri, a psychopath, could beat Camilla, another psychopath. The battle commenced and Pieri charged at
Camilla. With only one quick hyper realistic swip of her axe she split Pieri in
half. Some sort of hyper realistic organ still connected the 2 pieces together.
Now down to Dio and my avatar, I decided to partner them up. Camilla attacked
them both. Dio started posing which confused Camilla. “ZA WARUDO!” screams Dio
as the colour of the battlefield becomes reversed. Camilla looked around
confused. Camilla eventually regained her senses and proceeded to slice Dio
into three pieces this time. Why? I don’t know maybe it’s just the way God intended
it to be.
Camilla
started walking towards my avatar with a look of insanity and lust on her face.
But then all of the sudden something attacked her. “You thought I was Marth,
BUT IT WAS ME DIO!” yelled the forth Marth who was revealed to be Dio all this
time. “Do not want,” Camilla whined as Dio prepared his final smash, I mean his
ZA WARUDO attack. Camilla quickly started attacking Dio and they got into a big
battle that I’m not going to bother with describing. I will say this much...
there was a LOT of hyper realistic blood. Unfortunately in the end Dio had lost
the battle.
Camilla
continued walking towards my avatar as she put her axe. “Now that is a good
amount of the competition out of the way,” Camilla said. I asked her what she
meant by that. “Now I will become best waifu. I just need to infect the
internet and eradicate all insuperior waifus,” she responded. It all made sense
to me now. Camilla is going to kill all other waifus in order to be the only
and greatest waifu ever. All she needs is some sort of electronic device that
can connect to the internet in order to continue her rampage. I then realised
the huge mistake I made. I quickly ran to unplug my router but I heard the
familiar Blue Snow laugh. “It’s too late I already have access to the entire
internet and it’s all thanks to you,” she laughed in a yandere sort of way.
I
fell to the ground crying. “Now I just need to get rid of you,” she said. “How
do you plan on doing that?” I asked. She started singing Carry On Wayward Son by
Kansas and for some reason I felt like going to the local gun shop again. I
went to the gun shop and bought a gun with some ammo. I wasn’t asked for any identification
or stuff like that which made the trip a lot easier. Using the gun I committed
suicide just like all other Creepypasta protagonists. Morale of the story: For
the love of God can we please get international release dates?