I wanted to play some video games from my childhood. You know, I was having that nostalgic feeling. My favorite game is Final Fantasy Seven, but I didn’t have it. But, it’s ok. Still had my favorite Final Fantasy games up until FFVIII. That one disappointed me a little, and I felt the Final Fantasy franchise was going downhill from there. And Final Fantasy XIII and its sequels? Don't even get me started on that topic. So, anyway, as I was playing through the beginning of Final Fantasy Five, I saw through my Kryptonian peripheral vision the mailman come and put something in my mailbox. Getting all excited, I rushed to the mailbox, hoping to find some valuable coupons! You know, I had a fine date coming up this weekend. If I can get the right coupons, I’ll let her upsize her order of fries and get a drink with her cheeseburger. Hell, if I get that Dairy Queen coupon, I might just get her a small ice cream cone. Naw, I think I’ll keep the Dairy Queen coupon for a rainy day. I can’t make my girl feel too special, or she’ll be expecting to be treated good like that all the time.
When I opened the mailbox, the corners of my mouth dropped into a disappointed frown as I found no coupons were there. However, an eyebrow raising curiosity came over me when I saw an envelope. When I got in the house, I plopped on the couch and opened the envelope to find a letter from my friend. I know it’s my friend who wrote the letter because I know his handwriting, even though his handwriting looked like some kind of Cuneiform because he was in a hurry to get his message across. So, I got out my Rosetta Stone (The actual stone, not the computer software) and translated the message.
“Darien, I got you FFVII like you wanted. But beware: If you play this game, your mind will be fucked! This game is going to take your little virgin mind, stick the whole ten inches in deep, and rotate the hips harder and faster each second you spend playing this shit, no matter how you beg it to stop until it finally gets the satisfaction it was looking for! By the way, can I borrow five dollars? I’ll pay you back on Neverary the 32nd, two thousand infinity. How your mom’s doing? Tell her I said hey. And is your sister still home? Ask her why she ain’t calling a brother back! Oh yeah! I forgot! I’m in a hurry. I ain’t got no time for small talk. Don’t play this shit, man! Burn it and forget it. I mean, I know I sent it directly to you, but you can’t play this game at all! You have to be the one to destroy it. I know I had time to write you a letter, but for some reason, I didn’t find the time to destroy this mind raping game. Please, destroy this or you will be cursed!”
So, I did what any rational human being would do with basic common sense after they’ve been warned about something having life-endangering consequences behind them. I shrugged off the letter and said, “Meh.”
Upon further investigating the envelope, I found a CD inside. When I looked at the front of the CD, I saw it was written on with a Rosy Pink Crayola type marker. The CD simply said “clOUd.” I don’t know why that idiot of a friend of mine wrote it like that. Was he trying to be a douche? Why didn’t he just put FFVII? It would’ve made more sense. And Rosy Pink? I’m not even going to comment on that. My friend wasn’t completely right in the head anyway, at least I think so. This is a perfect time for a random flashback, so take a minute pop a bag of popcorn, fix a ham sandwich, wash your dirty ass or do whatever you have to right now because you don’t want to miss this flashback.
I remember when we were kids, playing in the arcade while Mom went to do her nails or go shopping or whatever she done when she finally could get rid of me for a while. So, Mom gave me five dollars in quarters before dropping my friend and me off in front of the arcade. I seriously don’t even remember her coming to a full stop. Anyway, we went in and played our favorite game; Mortal Kombat. I was never any good at the game, but there was a lot of blood and gore and things my tiny eyes weren’t supposed to see and I got a thrill out of that. So, after a couple of hours of playing in the arcade, we eventually ran out of quarters. We went on a frantic search to find quarters that people carelessly dropped before the ‘Continue?’ countdown reached zero. Sometimes, we were fortunate to make it, but most of the time we found a quarter and rushed back to our game only to see the dreaded ‘Game Over’ display on the screen. Soon, Johnny’s mom came to pick us up. (We’ll just call my friend Johnny.)
Well, Johnny’s mom took us to Johnny’s house as my mom had called Johnny’s mom to ask her to pick us up. We were used to being tossed around between moms. It was like their little game of Hot Potato, and we were the potatoes. Whoever got stuck with us last would have to keep us. While we were at Johnny’s house, the plumber had to come over to fix a drain in the kitchen. Johnny and I went in the kitchen to get something to drink when we saw the most horrible thing anyone can ever see. We saw the dreaded plumber’s crack! Johnny came up with an idea and he told me what it was. I told him not to do it, as I knew we would end up in big trouble. Long story short, Johnny saw the plumber’s ass crack as an ‘Insert Coin’ slot and put a quarter there. The plumber was not very happy about it, and neither was Johnny’s mom. We weren’t going to sit down for a couple of days after that to say the least.
Knowing some of the crazy things that Johnny has done in the past and how a few screws in his head has come completely loose, I could let this sorry excuse for a CD pass. So, I decided to play this CD not out of curiosity or love for Final Fantasy, but for the simple fact that I ran out of proper lubricants for manual pleasure. When I put the CD in my computer, a file popped up and it was called ‘clOUd.exe.’ I clicked on the file and let it download and set up. Everything was running normal and smoothly, as it should. Then, the file started up, revealing that it was in fact Final Fantasy VII according to the title screen. I was filled with joy at the sight of this. But, my joy was quickly turned to horror.
The Final Fantasy VII logo began dripping this crimson liquid off of it. "What in the eternal blazes of Hell’s ass crack is going on?" I wondered. Suddenly, a crimson rain came pouring down. The screen started slowly scrolling upwards. None of this was normal, and I was shitting bricks. I mean, I was shitting so many bricks, I could build a little shit brick house and put a little shit picket fence around it. So, after going through four rolls of toilet tissue and two packs of moist wipes, I continued to play this abomination of a game. I know I’m horrified and I just built a little shit house, but I just shrugged it off and said, "Meh. I’ll keep on going."
When the screen had rolled up as far as it would go, it revealed Cloud’s giant blade, covered in what could only be described as SUPER-DUPER, ULTIMATE HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD TO THE THIRD DEGREE TIMES THE SQUARE ROOT OF E=MC SQUARED! I felt more bricks passing through my large intestine, but I managed to keep them held in. There was a prompt that told me to press start, and I did. That’s when I heard Mario’s demonic voice say, ‘It’s a-me! Mario!’ Then, the background changed into the Green Hill Zone Act One from one of the Sonic games. Oh yeah, and the Lavender Town song started to play, backwards! Then, some bass came in and Drake started rapping to the reversed song. I was bobbing my head now and was like, “They need to play this shit at the club!” Imagine seeing asses being shook to that! Oh, I’m getting off track. Excuse me. So, Samus came on the screen. She was wearing her suit, but from the way she appeared to be looking around, she appeared as confused as I was. I was given control of Samus, and I made her go forward in hopes of finding out exactly what the hell was going on.
As I went forward, the textbox from Pokémon came up. It read, “A wild Pikachu appeared!” Pikachu came scurrying across the screen from the other side and stopped when he saw Samus. A question mark popped above Samus’ head as Pikachu stood erect, very interested in Samus. Pikachu ran up to Samus and began to do the strangest thing. There was a censored box that came up, blocking me from seeing what was happening with Pikachu and Samus. A textbox appeared saying, “Pikachu used Hip Thrust.” When the move ended, Pikachu walked away from Samus with a huge smile on his face. Then, another text box appeared. “Hip Thrust was super effective. Pikachu’s urges are now completely satisfied.” But, before Pikachu could run away, Samus used her gun arm to blast Pikachu to smithereens. THERE WAS A LOT OF HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD AND MASSIVE GORE TO THE THOUSANDTH DEGREE TIMES INFINITY!
Samus continued on and then ran into Pac Man and the ghosts! Samus cocked her head to the side and another question mark popped over her head. I was going to make Samus approach Pac Man, but then Freddy, Chica, Foxy, Bonnie, Mangled and the other toy models (excluding Balloon Boy) from Five Nights at Freddy’s popped up on the screen, doing their jumpscares back to back in an unholy montage. Yep, I released those bricks when that happened. I could build a shitty community there was so many bricks. But, even though sheer terror ran through my body, I still played the game!
Samus came back on the screen, but this time she wasn’t in the Green Hill Zone. She was now in front of the Shinra building along with Mario, Yoshi, Luigi, Bowser, Link, Zelda, Charizard, Blastoise, Venusaur, Donkey Kong, Ryu, Ken, Chung Li, M. Bison, Scorpion, Sub-Zero, Liu Kang, Kitana, Mileena, Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and a lot of other people I didn’t recognize and/or don’t have time to name. They all seemed to be arguing, even though they weren’t making a sound. Samus joined in the silent argument. Suddenly, the sky turned black and with a quickness, a blur came over the crowd multiple times, bringing with it the sound of metal cutting through flesh. Every last person in that crowd, including Samus, fell in pieces in (takes in deep breath) HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD AND GORE TIMES INFINITY CIRCLE SQUARED TIMES THE COSINE OF THE SQUARE ROOT OF THE RIGHT ANGLE OF AN ACUTE TRIANGLE EVEN THOUGH ACUTE TRIANGLES DON’T HAVE RIGHT ANGLES!
From the sky came Sephiroth with his blade covered in this HYPER DIPPITY-DO-DA REALISTIC BLOOD TIMES THE SPEED OF LIGHT DIVIDED BY THE SPEED OF SOUND TIMES THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH AROUND THE SUN. I shit half of a brick after seeing this. I use it to prop my door open. Anyway, after this happened, the normal Final Fantasy dialogue box popped up.
It said, “Enough. The distraction served its purpose. Now, it is time for the truth to be revealed…” The screen faded to black. When the screen came back, it showed Cloud during the scene where he has to dress like a woman in order to get in the gentlemen’s club to find Tifa. The camera was focused completely on Cloud in his feminine attire. Then, the dialogue came back. “Cloud… How my heart longs for you! I know we were enemies at one time, but I cannot get the image of you out of my head. When I saw you in that dress… I knew I had to make you mine somehow. But, I am in a dilemma. I’m not a homosexual, even though I love my swords long and hard. But seeing you in that dress… You were meant to be a woman. I am convinced of this. And so, I will make you mine, Cloud! I will free you from the literal balls and chain that weigh you down. Then, we will be together forever…” What in the name of fuck did I just read?
In the next scene, everything was pitch black. Then, Sephiroth appeared on the screen with Aerith’s dead body (no hyper realistic blood this time) and Cloud’s dead body. At that moment, everything came together a little. I was like, “Unholy Deception, Batman! Sephiroth was distracting me the whole time when I was ‘playing the game.’ That’s why Samus looked so confused. She wasn’t in the right game and she knew it! I bet all of the characters knew something was wrong, and that’s why they were arguing in front of Shinra’s building. And poor Pikachu… He must’ve been deprived of a female’s attention for so long, he just couldn’t control his urges and had to give Samus the ‘Hip Thrust.’ What a tragedy! A male shouldn’t ever be deprived of sexual pleasure for so long, even if he is just a rat with fur dyed yellow wearing pink blush and can only squeak out his name.” Then, Sephiroth started to talk again.
“Alas, I cannot be with you as you are now, Cloud. So, I will take your manhood away from you and you shall become a woman. But, you will need a female’s body for this to work. This is why I have chosen Aerith. And now, I must begin my work…” The screen faded black and the sound of metal cutting through flesh was heard. This went on for a minute. When everything was done, I could not believe what I saw. Cloud and Aerith were no longer there. Now, there was Lightning from Final Fantasy XIII and its sequels.
Little hearts appeared over Sephiroth’s head as he looked over his work, apparently very pleased with what he had just done. Then, he spoke. “It is done! I have created a marvelous work! From the darkest Cloud, I have brought forth… Lightning!” The screen faded black, and a text box appeared. “Lightning and Sephiroth went to live on Destiny Islands. There, they had two sons, one named Sora and the other Riku. With the birth of Sora, Lightning and Sephiroth got into a huge argument, divorced and Sephiroth left with Riku and Riku and Sora would grow up, never knowing they were truly brothers.” After that, the game went to the FFXIII start screen and all of the color drained from my face. I completely lost it and just screamed at the top of my lungs. ‘NO! NO! NOT THIS ABOMINATION! ANYTHING BUT THIS SHIT!’ No matter how loud I screamed or how much I freaked out, the fact still remained that I was now in possession of a copy of Final Fantasy XIII. I reset my computer, took the game out and tried to download it again, but it would always start up with the Final Fantasy XIII start screen. I dropped to my knees in tears.
For the first time in my life, I prayed to a god I don’t even believe is out there. If there was a god, he wouldn’t have allowed a game to be created where you get to play as Cloud in his final stage of transitioning into a woman and now going by the name Lightning. And, he wouldn’t have allowed them to produce sequel after sequel of this shit! I prayed that this god would find a more suitable punishment for me. Burn my eyes out! Cut off a hand! Grind off my dick with sandpaper! Send me straight to Hell! Anything but leave me with this! Now, I see why my friend was so afraid. And then, when I turned around, I think so much color left me that I was completely transparent now. What I saw behind me was a Lightning plush doll, dressed in Cloud’s SOLDIER uniform and holding a toy model of Cloud’s Blade.
My poor body couldn’t take it anymore. I died right there on the spot and finished writing this as a ghost. Official cause of death: mind fucked all to pieces. What? It’s all of a sudden a problem when I turn into a ghost and start messing with computers? Oh, I guess if I drowned and started playing music backwards in video games, you’d go all crazy over it, wouldn’t you? To all my haters, I’ll just use a quote from The Joker and Harley Quinn’s goofy ass son. “GO TO SLEEP!”