Hello readers, my name is Mike Hawksmall, and I'm a doctor.
"Yo doc, my donut-loving friend Slenderman's here." Jeff the Killer said.
"Don't call me doc, I didn't go to medical school for 4 years just to be called doc, ugh. What seems to be the problem though?" I retaliated.
"Well, he loves donuts and he stole a cop's wallet that contained only coupons and discounts that can get him free donuts. He ate too many and collapsed. Help him now." Jeff insisted.
I roll my eyes and drew blood and ran a couple of tests and came back afterwards. Jeff got up and asked if he's okay. "Hell no, he's not OK. His blood is literally filled with dunkin' donuts' donut frosting! I cannot believe your friend is alive. He should've been dead, long dead."
I force jeff's nose to the needle I drew the blood from and he says it's boston creme filling. This is what brought to me to horrors. It's a horror that a man whose body is slender can withstand 40,000 grams of sugar. No kidding, his entire fucking blood is not even blood--it's just boston creme filling.
Next patient. A kid comes in with his parents. "He accidentally hurt his eyes please help him."
"Mister, I can't see because I looked at the sun with a telescope so that I could prove to my friend that the sun is a planet and not a star." The kid said.
I was in utter shock. "I'm sorry, are we treating him for blindness or mental retardation? One at a time here." I said.
These are horrors. The horrors are plain human stupidity. I don't want to be on this planet anymore.