Megabus.exe

There’s a reason Megabus never took off as a massive bus company...why they haven't surpassed the omnipresent airlines of American and JetBlue... For, you see, while they have a good image now, in the twenty first century, they have a dark history behind them, blacker than the stormiest night, bleaker than the womb of death’s indivine mother, colder than the Antarctic snow after the Dubstep War of 1998… This is the story of Sid the Swindler.
July 15, 1958

Years after the liberation of the Nazi death camps, I decided to enter the ruins of what used to be Mauthausen with my girlfriend, Maureen, at night, as I was a foolish young teenager, and we wanted to see if we could find ghosts of the dead in the camp...instead, we found something far worse…


We entered the camp around ten at night, as we wanted to make sure the sun was down.  We didn’t really expect there to be ghosts, but we wanted to feel scared, and we knew that if we didn’t see it during the day before the sunset, it would be more terrifying.  Maureen’s hand in mine, giggling, we walked up to the front gate, not realizing how strange it was that there were no guards.


As we approached the gate, my girlfriend stopped suddenly, pointing at something in the distance. Looking up, still smirking, I dropped my smile quickly.  For less than a second, I saw something in the gate… Something with glowing red eyes, a red armband around its left forearm, with its back hunched over, with what l00ked like a ticket in its upright right hand, which was up in the old ‘Heil’ salute, the area around him a dark shade of blue.  Just as I locked eyes with it, it vanished without a sound, the blue aura vanishing.
Maureen turned to look at me, her eyes clearly showing how unnerved she was by this.  My stomach was turning over in fear, churning in anxiety.  Maureen blinked slowly, then exhaled. “Let’s...let’s go in. It’s probably just our minds playing tricks on us…” She let go of my hand and started to move ahead, but I grabbed her shoulder and whispered, “Wait...but we both saw it...how could it be a trick of the mind?”


Without looking back, I heard her say, her voice again as steely as usual, “The shadows. Let’s go.” She shrugged off my hand and walked under the gate, leaving me no choice but to follow...I wish I’d tried again to make her stop.





Walking into the camp, we walked into the desolate, empty former death centre, peeping our heads into one of the old barracks the prisoners were forced to live in.  We saw nothing irregular, just a rather large next of rats, their eyes shining beadily black in the moonlight that shone in through the broken glass windows.


Leaving the barracks, we got back onto the main entrance in Mauthausen, and I thought I saw the sign with the name of the camp change...I could have sworn that I saw the letters shifting out of the corner of my eye to say, “MauthauSID,” the last three letters in a mustard yellow color. But as soon as I focused on it, I saw that instead, it said “Feels good man,” with a cast-iron Pepe head next to it.  Shrugging it off, feeling relieved, I followed Maureen again into the area where the ‘Gas Showers’ were.


She turned around, smirked, and wagged her finger at me in a ‘come hither’ motion, backing into the building. Forgetting my fear for a moment, I grinned, following her.


However, once we got in, we lost our happy expressions...and other happy parts...really quick.  The door slammed behind me...but there was no door a moment before… Spinning on my heel to examine the door, I saw a rusted cast-iron door with the words, “Low cost express bus service…” As I watched, however, the word ‘bus’ was crossed out by an invisible hand. I tremored in fear, holding Maureen in my arms as we shook, terrified...and watched the word that replaced bus be carved into the door… and stopped, raising my eyebrow, confused.


The previously crossed out ‘bus’ was replaced by, again, the word bus. However, now the invisible hand crossed out ‘Low Cost’ and replaced it with the words ‘Mediocre priced.’ Maureen and I screamed in fear at this change...it was horrifying.


Just then, I heard the sound of fabric rustling behind me, and turned around to see what it was...and I saw the same figure as before rising off its knees, and slowly walk towards us. Its eyes glowing a shade of red, it raised the hand with a ticket in it towards one of the shower heads, which immediately began to spray out high-priced ticket stubs.  As each one came in contact with the figure, he became more and more clear, the light in his eyes now bright enough to read the name on his name badge…”Sid”  Grinning evilly from ear to ear, he seized a ticket in his hand, and crumpled it, before throwing it at me. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t evade it…


I screamed as the ticket hit me, feeling my wallet literally become lighter as the ticket absorbed one of the American dollars in my pocket, the reasonably priced ticket seizing control of part of my finances.  Maureen looked at me in horror as another ticket hit me, absorbing another dollar…
Maureen glared at me. “Ew! You’re buying public transportation tickets? I’m so out of here!” As I called out Maureen’s name, begging her not to leave, I watched the door open as she walked out.


I slowly rose to my feet once more, my eyes daggers as I stared at Sid angrily. As each ticket hit me, he grew gradually more and more colorful, as I suffered under the onslaught of so many affordably priced ticket purchases.  “Omighty Kek, save me from this normie!” As I writhed in financial agony, pulling out my checkbook, desperately trying to balance my finances, one of his tickets found my newly minted American Express credit card… and he let out a mighty ree, a strange red bar appearing under his face, reading, “Triggered,” a deep bass sound echoing from everywhere...and nowhere.


As he sucked more and more money from my American Express account, becoming more and more colorful, he seemed to reach a ‘Pax Megabusia’ state, where he had sold so many tickets that he was reaching a point of negative power.  He began to grow darker and darker, his glowing red eyes shining so bright they began to turn black, the color in his skin and clothes darkening further and further until he was a mere shade, radiating debt from every angle, everything around him turning a shade of red as it became indebted to him.  


I pulled out my wallet, which was glowing red, and dropped it, spun on my heel, and ran out of the showers, towards the front gate as fast as I could.  As I ran, I glanced back and saw ‘Sid’ running after me, his hand outraised with a shining silver ticket.  I felt my heart leap as I saw that ticket, sensing that if that ticket touched me, I would be forever stuck buying tickets from him, every credit card I open immediately drained, every car I bought immediately becoming titled to him, and every house I owned transferring to him.  


I tried to double my pace...and found that instead, I was slowing down… I looked down and saw that my shoes were growing price tags labelled ‘Only 1 Dollar!’ Kicking off the shoes as fast I could, I glanced back, and saw him less than twenty feet behind me. Desperately, I sprinted towards the gate as fast as I could, reaching my right hand into my pants, the gate glowing a shade of yellow and red…


Gasping, I leaped past the gate, and tripped on a rock.  Expecting to feel that silver, paper ticket touch me at any moment, I squinted my eyes shut, clenching my teeth….and felt nothing come, except perhaps myself...fear gets me off.


Turning my head, my pants damp, I glanced behind the gate, terrified, and saw Sid standing there, staring at me, all of Mauthausen now a shade of red.  As i stared at him, he continued grinning foolishly, the gate above him now reading, “Mauthausid: Home of The Immortal Enemy of Kek.” Getting up, I smirked slowly, and flipped him the bird. He couldn’t get past the gate. I walked away, feeling /super/ relieved...and super turned on.


The Next Day

The next day, I went to the library, determined to figure out what had happened the night before.  Finding a book on busses, I skimmed the pages until I found what I was looking for:

Sid The Swindler:
“Sid the Swindler is the infamous spirit that haunts Mauthausen, and is responsible for the Great Gold Gala of 1945, when the camp was captured, where all of the gold mysteriously vanished.  An immortal CEO, Sid is the mortal enemy of the Mighty Kek, god of memes. Sid, founder of the Evil Megabus Corporation, prefers to latch on to his targets and drain them of everything of value by forcing them to buy his Overly Affordable tickets, and can only be defeated by one from the ancient land of mystique and mystery, where all great fairy tales take place, and where coconuts grow freely.  The only person who may defeat him is the Memelord of the Exotic, Mystical Land of Canada.”
Placing down the book, I rested my forehead in my palms. I had survived an encounter with the mortal enemy of Kek...and managed to come out a dollar under the max withdrawal amount on my credit card! As I smirked, ever-glad to have survived, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.  Glancing to my left, I saw a small figure...a dog?...staring at me, its eyes glowing blue, a pair of poorly rendered shades over its eyes, a taco in its paws...and before it disapparated a moment later, it uttered one phrase...a phrase that haunts me to this day… “Yo Quiero Taco Bell.” With that, the Chihuahua vanished, never to show himself again.