HI. My name is Ieur Mam, I'm a Chinese British boy with a major boner for the Oprah series. Ever since I was a kid my favourite things in life were legos and oprah winfrey. So when the first game came out on sega mega drive I was hooked. My dad would always yell, "YOU ARE DISGRACE TO FAMIRY" and beat me with a trout, which was also how he'd destroy my Mega Drive later that year. He was just jealous he'd never receive the same respect as I gave the magnificent negress that is, Oprah Winfrey. But my faith and love for the titanic negress would be challenged by a spooky, demonic disk that almost killed me. This is that story.
In the late nineties, I received my first computer for my 16th birthday. It wasn't until I got a copy of the best game ever, Super Oprah World 1998 [UNCENSORED] In the Hood Edition, that it would become the biggest time waster on my Windows 95 MAC Pc. the graphics were as exquisit as Oprah herself, and the gameplay was exceptional.
But one day, as i played late into the night my dad heard me, thus he knocked on my door and lovingly shouted, "You rittre faggeto! you have rearry done it thisu time!". I kindly responded,
"Shut the fuck up and shove it up your crusty ass you fucking geezer",
which I wouldn't realise was a mistake until he burst into my room and ripped the game disc right out of the disk drive like when the doctor ripped me out of my mum's uterus a few weeks earlier. "thisu game-u" he yelled as he snapped the disk like a chopstick "is making you disgrace to famiry!" he finished as he smashed the remaining peices with a dead flounder. I gritted my teeth into literal powder and shoved my katana up his ass, killing him instantly.
But now I had a problem on my hands. A vital problem, obvious to anyone with a fucking brain. Such a problem needed to be addressed instantly, and so i did. The problem was yuuuuge, tremendous! It was almost as big as my mum's-- "SHut the fuck up and continue the god damn story" my neighbour yelled before being run over by a semi. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Snoop Dogg's Quest for Pot was rated game of the year that year in 199whatever which was BULLSHIT the weed in the game was so not-- oh wait, fuck wrong story.
Yeah, i needed to address the major problem, My copy of Super oprah was shattered to smithereens!
So after disposing of my dad's carcass, I went to the local flea market to buy another copy. Which obviously makes perfect sense y'know? Going to a shady flea market instead of buying it at the store. genius. Thanks brain. I saw an old woman with a table full of assorted clothes and shit. So I walked up to her and kindly punched her in the throat before ransacking her shit and finding an assortment of computer CDs in a small box. Amongst those disks was a blank CD that had "Oprah.exe" written on it in hyperrealistic blood red marker.
"Holy shit" I said "just what I needed".
I ran back to my house and after thoroughly raping my dad's corpse with the same trout he used to beat me with, I put the disk into my MAC and loaded up the DOS prompt. It wasn't before long that the game started and I could once agian enjoy the wonderful Oprah goodness my asshole dad that spent over £40000 in private education destroyed. The title screen came up and I was happy again, but then something odd caught my eye. for 13.37 seconds, the familiar title screen with Oprah and Jackie chan turned into a photo of something greasy that wasn't joe pesci. It was so scary, I nuked North korea again. Fucking commies and fatboy Kim.
And then, even stranger, after the title screen instead of the usual file select screen with a dancing Jackie Chan cursor, I got a splash screen that said "0Pr4h w4s ki||" which, being chinese and shit, I couldn't read for the life of me. So I used google translate and it said, "Oprah was Kill" "What the fuck is this" I thought,
"Oprah can't be dead?! There was no black lives matter protests!".
I thought this was strange but obviously it was a glitch so I kept going, even though it's the first time I saw it but whatever, the sooner this trainwreck is over the sooner I can go jerk off. The file select screen was a garbled mess of pixels in a colourful monochrome array.Through the mess, I was able to select a save file titled "Gnomes". "Gnomes?" I thought, "that's a gay name, like Austin or Morgan". The intro started but instead of the usual brown field, i was a short pain with Oprah running across it kinda like Sanic.
Then she stopped and looked at the screen with an expression I can't explain: anger? sadness? Madness? pizza? i couldn't tell.
All of a suddenly, Oprah walked into a door that appeared out of nowhere and came into an area that looked kind of like a sex dungeon. This was definitely not an itch. It was a bootleg game from a shitty flea market. Then Oprah said, "I've had enough of dealing with these crybabies on my show". She pulled out a sharp hypperrealistic knife that was hyperrealistically rendered and covered in hyperrealistic blood!
"Such violence!" I said as she viciously killed a crowd of people in the room.
I couldn't even stop her! I had to watch her kill everyone in the room, Dr Phil walked in and I sighed a sigh of relief: he'd get her straight, "I think you should leave them alone" he said in all his dr-ness. "stfu fggt" Oprah said as she 420 noscoped dr phil and hypperrailistic blood on the dancefloor spurt everywhere. I screamed in fear. Oprah was murdering everybody and I couldn't do a thing to stop it!
Then, just as all hope was lost, a magnificent voice bellowed, "PLEASE HAVE A SEAT I'M CHRIS HANSEN WITH DATELINE NBC". It was Chirs Hansen! He stepped onto the screen with a blank expression and launched a mass of KKK members to take out Oprah. Then the splash screen from before came back up, but in clear, pure, english: Oprah was kill.
I shut the game off and right when i did, a voice creeped up behind me: "theres a gift for you under your seat". i turned around and an oprah plushie was sitting at the foot of my bed behind me! The scariest part... She was holding.... a dead trout! Then a skeleton appeared and before I knew it, I was dead. Or at least now I am, knowing this story's probably gonna get deleted or some shit. The only thing I can rememebr is the final image of the game: