Raiden
CHAPTER 1: Decades Later
Arcadia Bay, Oregon
2080
Punished “Venom” Raiden
A fallen legend
As I chopped up the last of the firewood I looked up to the sky to see that dusk was setting in. I won’t be able to do this much longer. Decades of blazing up has really taken its toll on my body. I lumbered inside to warm up and grab my nightly blunt. Once I was inside I went to my Beef Wellington super-quantum computer. I put on my VR glasses and loaded up “Whatoncewas.exe.” I was greeted by Gordon’s handsome face.
“RAIDEN YOU STUPID FUCK YOU FORGOT TO-TO-TO-TO-TO”
The file had corrupted again. Not even in virtual reality I can see him. I threw my VR goggles, which shattered on the hardwood floor, and ran out in tears while simultaneously toking up. I made my way to the creek….the same one I had pulled Clam-slam out of over 80 years ago. I sat on a stump, took a sweet drag of the dank, and watched where the portal had once opened up in the hopes that something...anything would happen and give my life meaning once again. I had been doing this nightly ritual almost as long as Gordon had been gone. I had even fallen asleep on this log a few times.
Who would’ve guessed a blue haired hipster faggot would be the one to make me the man I am today. Sure she threw a cummies jar at me and brutally murdered my favorite fedora, but the world she exposed me to more than made up for her being a fucking cunt. Not only did I see the true effects of soy, but I also met the seXXXiest gurl I had ever seen. Too bad the circumstances didn’t allow for sum fuk. In hindsight I could’ve snuk sum gud fuk considering how many holes she had, both natural and carved. That would’ve been the only time I could’ve gotten a gumjob. But hindsight is 20/20, and I was too busy being a pussy and retching to think about the needs of my penis. I even had a chance to get sum pussy when Max, Gordon and me were sent to hell. But noooo, Max had to go all self-righteous and send herself to owwie hell. Fucking self-centered cunt. Every once in awhile I’ll pull out the Ouija board just to fuck with her.
“How’s the weather down there?” I would normally ask. Most of the time it ended in her calling me a variety of names, but that’s what she gets for being a fucking bitch. Hope it fucking burns.
Anyways, enough about the past. I tossed my blunt into the creek and went back to the cabin. I put my fedora on the table beside my bed and got in. Just as I was under the covers I heard its voice.
“RAAAAAIIIIDEEEEN” the pillow screamed.
“OH MY GOD I’LL BE THERE IN A FUCKING MINUTE” I screamed back
I went into its room. There was my Gordon Ramsay body pillow, worn down and stiff as a board from all the semen, but still kicking…unfortunately.
“Raiden…can you put me in the Chair facing the window. I don’t wanna go to bed yet.”
I was getting salty. “Yeah, but you’ll be staying there for the rest of the night. I’m NOT coming back in here.”
The fucking pillow started talking not long after Gordon had died. At first I thought it WAS Gordon, but I soon learned it was…..something else.
“That’s fine...I just wanna look up to the moon….and think of Max.”
This shit was a nightly occurrence
“Okay for one, how the fuck do you even know who she is? I kept you locked in the basement for decades. And two, you’re looking the wrong way. Might as well be watching the grass.”
I chuckled and felt a cold breeze upon my neck. It happened anytime I made a stab at her or Clam chowder burning in hell, I think it’s their way of telling me to go fuck myself….doesn’t matter though I’m not the one who killed myself or went the way of the hipster.
I sighed and succumbed to the pillow. “Fine, whatever. But just remember that she doesn’t even know who you are.” I placed it in the chair facing out the window, the moonlight piercing the dark room.
Just before I left it spoke up again.
“You know I’m not real...right?”
“Yeah, you’ve told me before.” I remarked
“Not only that, but you’ve imagined my sentience the ENTIRE time I’ve started talking to you. I’m not an independent being...I’m YOU, Raiden. I’m an extension of your mind. I am the result of your now rotten cherry. It’s been nearly a fucking century and you haven’t had your dick so much as sucked. Max and Chloe pushed you over the edge. Honestly I can’t believe you didn’t have your way with Chloe when she was locked in the basement unconscious. And I REALLY can’t believe you didn’t have your way with Max back in hell. I mean, where are they gonna send you if you rape someone in hell? SUPER HELL? Give me a fucking break. My point is, you had plenty of chances to get your dick wet even if they were hipsters. And you know this...but you pushed it out of your sex-deprived mind. And as a result...you created me.”
I was at a loss for words. “We’ve been talking for coming up on 50 years. Why did you just now tell me this?”
The pillow smirked
“I’m sick of listening to you moan and groan about those two. You only care because they had pussies. What about Gordon and Keem? They were your friends….well, Gordon was.”
I was starting to get angry again “I had the chance to settle things with Gordon. He died with me by his side. I can’t say the thing for max or Chocolate.”
“Wow. That was gay. And by the way. Stop using words other than Chloe. It’s annoying. And you do have a point, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that you go out there every night and wait. That’s like giving Gordon a giant middle finger. He WANTED you to live your life as a free man. As a person. That’s not what you’re doing. You’re just DARING the cosmic powers to send shit your way. You really think that’s what he wants?”
“I don’t know what to think, anymore.” I said
“Well, if it makes you feel any better. I’m with you till the bitter end. Not like I have much of a choice.”
“Good to know.” I said “Fuck this, I’m going to bed. Have a good night, fucker.”
The pillow spoke again “Good night, Raiden. And one more thing.”
“What”
“You know that sweet little Max was autistic, right? Well, of course you know. since I know. But like everything else you pushed it out of your thick head. I feel like now would be a good time to tell you. But yeah, she was on the Autism spectrum. Not by much, and it didn’t hinder her cognitive abilities. But it was enough to land her in an Individualized Education Program. You read this in her file when you entered the school that one day. It’s like you two were a match made in heaven.”
“GO FUCK YOURSELF” I screamed and slammed the door
The pillow laughed and screamed “GOOD NIGHT RAIDEN!!”
As I laid in bed thinking about what the pillow had said I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was right. Just like it had always been
CHAPTER 2: Raiden Meets The Logang
“Raiden”
“What...whom’st be dat?”
“Raiden. There’s not much time. She’s coming. Be prepared for her.” I recognized that sweet-ass voice.
“Gordon...is that...really you?”
“FOCUS RAIDEN. She’ll be here very soon, and they are right on her tail.”
“Gordon what the fuck are you talking about?”
“Rise, son of the sauce...Your duty is not yet finished.”
I woke up covered in sweat. I didn't even make bad cummies. I haven’t been able to make cummies since 2063, Was that really Gordon speaking to me from the Great beyond? Or was it my imagination.
“IT WAS REAL, DUMBASS.” The body pillow screamed from the other room
“EAT SHIT” I screamed back. The sun started to peek through the window. My day was starting. I got up and went to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. I whipped up my usual. Half a bag of doritos mixed with a 2-liter of Mtn. Dew blended in a blender and a thicc line of G-Fuel to snort to top it all off. Once I was satisfied I went to the Beef Wellington to check CNN, the most trustworthy news source on the Web 5.0. Nothing new. God-emperor Trump had just approved adorning the northern wall in gold.
I grabbed my chopping axe and work fedora and headed into the woods. This morning was particularly cold and dewy. As I reached the planned chopsite I heard commotion not too far away. I had become used to the sounds of nature, but this was different. There was also…laughing.
I drew my Katana and hid behind a downed log. In the distance I saw 5 people carrying a sack of potatoes...no...IT WAS A BODY.
“Yeah, right here...this is good.”
“Did you fucking retards tie the noose” The tall blonde one said
Wait...he looks...familiar. Reminds me of Jake Paul. The dude Gordon, Keem, and I wasted forever ago.
“Y-yes sir” The other four replied
"Good slaves. Now hang this cocksucker up so we can get the fucking shot and get out of these retarded ass woods" The other fuccs did as they were told but hesitated.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU COCKSUCKERS DOING? I THOUGHT I ORDERED YOU TO HANG THIS FUCKER UP. ARE YOU HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS? WE FOUND THIS FUCKER DEAD UNDER THE BRIDGE WITH A NEEDLE IN HIS NECK! NOBODY IS GONNA MISS HIM. NOW HANG THIS SACK OF SHIT UP OR YOU’RE NOT GETTING A SLICE OF THE CHECK.”
The trembling betas did as they were told and reluctantly strung up the body. The balding blonde chad-lite spoke up again.
“Good. now we’re gonna walk about a hundred yards away and film our reactions. Act like we haven’t staged any of this or I swear to God I’ll have my bodygaurds dump your ass in a river. Dab if you faggots understand.”
The four dabbed in understanding and walked away. I got up from behind the log and examined the dead body. I then scurried up the tree in waiting. After about 10 minutes they came back, only this time they had hiking gear and the tall one was wearing some retarded hat.
“Ermagerd. Does anyone see that?” the tall one said. The others started acting like they were a bunch of aspies tripping on LSD.
The only female started giggling and laughing like she smoked a bale of weed. Looked like all those thicc diccs she had taken had literally fucked her stupid. The other two were obviously beta orbiters who were in desperate need of some $$$. Then there was the cameraman who was furiously masturbating behind the camera.
The leader got closer and spoke again “MMMMMM, goys….I think there’s someone hanging, MMMM” He sounded like he was taking 3 dicks up his ass. Just then the knot holding the body up came loose and the body fell right on top of the Blonde cunt. LOL fucking idiots wouldn't even be able to kill themselves right.
“FUCK GODAMMIT...CUT THE CAMERA CUT THE CAMERA. Wait WAITWAITWAIT PLAY THE LAUGH TRACK WE GOTTA GET THE SHOT. PLAY THE LAUGH TRACK YOU FUCKING ROASTIE SLUT!!!”
The girl pulled out her phone and a laugh track started playing. The blonde shithead started dabbing with the body still on top of him.
I saw my chance. I jumped down screaming “BANZAAAAAIIIII.” I cut the girl in half vertically. The 2 beta orbiters pulled out their dildos as we fought. The blonde on the ground started screaming at the still-filming cameraman
“HOLY SHIT GET THE CLOSE UP ON THAT BITCH’S INSIDES. THAT’S FUCKING DANK.” he dabbed twice more so sharp it produced gunshot sounds.
I stabbed one beta orbiter in the guts, but as I did so the other one headshotted me with his dildo. I fell to the ground in a daze and dropped my Katana. Once I regained my composure I saw the nu-male had my sword. These fucks are lucky I’m pushing 100. As we stood there in a standoff I raised my hand and clenched my fist. The beta laughed, but he failed to noticed his hands were now welded to my sword. He tried to let go, but no longer had control of his own body. I slowly brought the sword up to his neck. He screamed and tried to regain control of his body so much his pathetic muscles bulged. I slowly drew the sword across his neck, blood spurting out as he began to gurgle on his own blood. Then in a swift motion of my hand he cut his own head off. Blood shot from his throat as I called my Katana back to me. I didn’t like using my sauce powers, but they sure came in handy in a sticky situation.
The cameraman got a close up of the fucker’s head as it winked and contorted. I swiftly stabbed him right through the camera lens and into his eye. He died instantly. I made my way towards the boss. His ego-muscles incapable of lifting the body off of him. He looked up to me and spoke:
“You…I know you. You’re the fuck who killed my brother.”
I spoke up “Bro I’ve killed tons of people. You gotta be more specific.”
“In the cave...we were gonna make an example out of you, but Jake was certain he didn’t need my help. Your leader…Gordon. He ripped his fucking throat out. You know we’ve never found Jake’s body. I guess this is just fate...drawing us together and such. You’re not looking too well. You’re so old and worn down. I bet you’re wondering why I’m still beautiful and young?”
“Soy” I said blankly
“Correct...you and your kind go around spurting off about how soy is the work of the devil, but here I am. I have never even SEEN meat, and I haven’t aged a day since he saved me.”
“Saved you?” I asked
“Yes, saved me. You see….”
“Raiden. My name is Raiden.”
“You see Raiden, when you fucks killed my brother. I was lost. I was ready to end my life. When I was at my lowest, he saved me. And for the low price of my eternal service to him. Not only did he promise me eternal youth. He promised me an elixir, a sauce that will allow me to bring him back.”
I couldn’t help but laugh “Hate to tell you this…..”
“Call me Logan.” He said
“Logan, you got duped. There is no more sauce. And there hasn’t been for years now.”
It was his turn to laugh
“Is that what Gordon told you? It looks like YOU were the one who was duped. Since you’re obviously gonna kill me I might as well tell you we weren’t out here to film a dead body. That was just a side project. We came out here to kill you. The only thing standing between us and the sauce. The last of the saucerers.”
“Impossible.” I said
“Well, depends on how you look at it. The sauce you’re thinking of is long gone. But there is still just a touch of it in existence. So...are you gonna do it or not?”
“Just one more thing. Who saved you?”
Logan smirked “you’ll know soon enough. Now do it.”
I raised the katana high and brought it down on his throat, a clean cut through his neck. His head rolled towards my feet.
I looked around at the carnage and blood. I suddenly felt light headed and fell to my knees. I can’t do shit like this much longer, and sauce spells are painful to summon. My reflexes and efficiency is next to nothing.
“I got lucky” I thought to myself. I got back up to my feet and drudged back home. The sky grew dark with storm clouds. I’ll clean this up tomorrow.
CHAPTER 3: The Portal, The Girl, And The Hipsters
“Raiden...something bad is coming” The pillow said.
“No shit, pillow. Between the dream and those fuckwits. I fear our time here is limited.” I said
“I’m going down to the creek, you wanna come with?”
“You know what? That sounds good.” The pillow said
“But I’m not touching that disgusting weed.”
I strapped the pillow to my back and walked towards the creek. Limped is more like it. My head felt like it was gonna explode and my entire body was sore and stiff.
I sat at that old stump and pulled out my extra thicc doobie. I needed the extra dank.
After a few hits the air grew cold.
“There’s a storm coming.” I told the pillow
“There is, but it’s not the storm you’re thinking of. Look.”
I watched the creek and say what looked like heat waves. Then a flash of blue light. I thought I got a bad batch of weed. I rubbed my eyes and to my astonishment it was still there. It grew and grew...until a girl came out. Exactly like the way Chloe had.
“HOLY SHIT” I yelled.
“Grab her” the pillow said
I waded into the creek and grabbed the girl. I drug her to the bank to see if she was still alive. I held my hand just above her mouth. Luckily she was still breathing. I threw her over my shoulder and ran as fast as I could to the cabin. Once I was inside I cleared the dining table and laid her down. Now that we were inside I could make out her face. She looked older. Maybe a bit past 18. She was slender. Very slender. Her hair was brown, and she was wearing…hipster clothes. Old hipster clothes.
“How...how is this happening.” I stammered I was on the verge of fainting when the pillow spoke up
“She's from their timeline. Raiden, this is the girl Gordon told you about in your dream. She MUST be important in some way.” the pillow said
“She doesn’t LOOK important” I said
“Raiden, Look at her, and I mean really look”
I looked into her face. It took a minute, but I could see. I truly saw.
“No...no way. NO GODDAMN FUCKING WAY” I was enraged
“RAIDEN YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE. SHE'S THEIR OFFSPRING!”
“SHE CAN’T BE. HOW IN THE FUCK WOULD THAT EVEN BE POSSIBLE.”
The girl started to moan and move.
“Shit..shit shit shit. What do I do?” I asked the pillow
“Don’t scare her. Just…..” the pillow trailed off
She opened her eyes. Blue. Very blue. The moment I saw her eyes I knew where she had come from. But I still told myself that it wasn’t possible.
“H-hello?” she said hoarsely
“Hi” I said. I didn’t know what else to say
She slowly got up. Luckily she didn’t try to kill my ass like Chloe did. She just looked around, almost as if she was in awe.
“Wowsers, this is quite a cabin, shaka-brah”
This isn't happening. There absolutely couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t handle this shit anymore. I passed out right onto the hardwood floor.
When I came to it was light outside. Instead of the hard floor I was on the couch and covered in a blanket. I got up and searched the house. I found her in the kitchen cooking. Whatever it was smelled quite good.
“You woke up” she said
“How long was I out?” I asked
“Not long. About 12 hours.”
“What are you doing?” I asked
“Making us breakfast. Figured you’d be hungry after that nasty fall. I thought it’d be a good way of saying thanks for fishing me out of that creek.”
I got up and sat at the table still trying to process all that was happening. Then I remembered the pillow
“The-” I was quickly cut off by her
“The pillow. Yeah we’ve been talking for a while now.”
“Y..you can hear it?”
“Yeah….am I not supposed to?” she asked
“It’s not that but…” This shit was too weird.
“PUNK’D, DUMBASS. OF COURSE I’M NOT IN YOUR HEAD. YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY TO CREATE A WHOLE OTHER BEING TO CONVERSE WITH? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.”
The girl giggled. I looked over at the pillow that was sitting across from me.
“What did you tell her?” I asked not even giving a shit anymore
“Only what she wanted to hear.”
The girl walked over to us carrying two plates.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I used some stuff from your fridge. I hope you like pancakes and bacon.”
In fairness, they looked and tasted amazing.
Once we were finished I had to learn what in the fuck was going on.
“First things first. My name is Raiden. What is yours?”
“I…don’t have one.”
“You don’t have a name?” I asked, puzzled.
“She looked down to her empty plate. Then the pillow chimed in
“Raiden...go downstairs and check the book of spells. You’ll find your answers there.”
After the past days occurrences. I was willing to believe anything. I went downstairs and found the book. Old, dusty, and barely holding together. I opened it up and a fucking flash drive fell out. I picked it up and took it over to the beef wellington. I inserted it into the slot and after sifting through literally gigabytes of cuck porn I found a video title “Raiden”
I opened up the video and to my astonishment saw Gordon’s face. Just as immaculate as the day he died.
“Raiden, if you’re seeing this. It means that I am dead, You like that cliche? Anyways, I'm dead as shit and the world has the misfortune of having you as their last line of defense against the forces of evil. And you more than likely have already met the girl. Raiden….she’s mine. As you know I am a fucking puss magnet and got my dick wet on the reg. I hate to tell you this, but she is also the daughter of Max. Sorry m8, I saw her first. Before Mr. Jefferson fucked Max up we fucked and I took her virginity. I was so stupid going raw, and my sauce-powered dick got her preggers by the next day. Max insisted on having an abortion, but someone must’ve caught wind and took the fetus’ genetic code. The girl you met isn’t our original child, but rather a clone. But our child nonetheless.”
Gordon continued
“She’s a child of the sauce, Raiden. I can’t tell you what will happen between the time of her inception and you meeting her, but you must know that there are people out there that WILL come to get her. It’s up to you to see to it that she never falls into the wrong hands. And should she be captured, she will surely be used as a weapon. She has a small trace of LambSauce inside her. That little bit can plunge the world into chaos once again. She and I share many of the same powers, but she doesn’t realize it yet. There’s a place that she will be safe. In this flash drive you will find the coordinates. Take here there if things get dangerous."
“Raiden, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about all this. But you weren’t ready yet, and visions into the future are a one-time spell. The the girl has no idea who her parents are or where she came from, or even what her destiny is yet. As far as she knows…
You’re her father.
Good luck Raiden, Gordon out.”
And the video ended. I searched through the files and found the coordinates. It lead to a desolate place in Maine. Clear across the United States.
I was beyond pissed at Gordon. Not only did he get some of Max’s sweet pussy before me, but he dropped his fucking mistake onto me. Even in death he can’t just fuck off. I took the Beef Wellington and smashed it onto the ground. It sparked, and finally died. I went back upstairs to where the girl and the pillow were conversing. The pillow saw my expression and spoke up
“Sounds like you fully understand.” it said
“Completely.” I looked to the girl. “One minute” I grabbed the pillow and carried it downstairs.
“How long have you known this?” I asked
“As long as I have existed, Gordon gave me life….for whatever reason, but you had to learn on your own.”
“And what’s so important about her.” I said pointing upstairs “She’s just like any of those other fucks from her timeline.”
“But Raiden, she’s not like them. Remember her plate.”
I remembered the empty plate and realized…the bacon was gone. She had eaten the bacon.
“She’s in-between.” The pillow said.
“Even so, why should we stick our neck out for her? She’s dangerous.”
“Raiden, do you really think she’s the only one of her kind? There’s many others like her. Gordon got around fast.” The pillow said
“Yeah...but couldn’t we...you know” I said
“Kill her? You really wanna kill her. You’ve seen what’s waiting for hipsters. You really wanna send her there early?”
“Why should I care? She’s not related to me.” I said
“She doesn’t know that. To her you could very well be her fucking FATHER”
“I’M FUCKING NOTHING TO HER!” I screamed. Louder than I intended to. The girl came downstairs and asked if everything was alright. To which me and the pillow simultaneously answered yes. She closed the door on her way out and we went back to it.
“You wanna kill her? Fine, go ahead and do it. It’s not like I can stop you. But think about Gordon, think about Max. How would they feel knowing you killed their only offspring.”
“They got an abortion, I doubt they give a shit. But fuck it...we’ll take her to goddamn Maine. Not like I have anything else better to do.”
We went back upstairs and began talking with the girl.
“First off, this no name business isn’t gonna work. Do YOU have any ideas for a name?” I asked
“There was this doctor that was always nice to me. Her name was Ava...I always thought that was a pretty sounding name.”
“Ava…not bad.” Okay, Ava, start from the beginning. Where did you come from. As far back as you can remember.”
“I remember….being in a hospital. They would do a lot of tests on me. Some of them really hurt. But they said they were trying to make me better. Every time I asked what was wrong with me they’d say I was very sick, but they never said specifically what I was sick with. I wasn’t the only one either, there were maybe 30 of us? I don’t really remember. But then they started being real mean to us. Hitting us, giving us painful shots, and keep us in really cramped rooms without beds or toilets. Eventually it got so bad we tried to break out. We made it out but had to scatter. I remember crossing a creek, and then feeling a real sharp pain in my back and then passing out. Then I woke up...here. I could tell this wasn’t a bad place because of how….comfy it felt.”
“Raiden...she’s spent her whole life in captivity.” The pillow said
“You’re right...but wh-”
I was interrupted by the commotion outside. I looked down to the creek to see dozens of black-clad men leaving the portal. Men is a very loose phrase. They looked like they hadn’t eaten in months
“Hipsters” I said and grabbed my Katana.
“Oh no...they’re here. THEY’RE HERE. PLEASE DON’T LET THEM GET ME!” Ava was on the verge of hysterics. The pillow tried to calm her down while I watched out the window. Several more soldiers poured out of the portal...until finally. He came out. His hand replaced with a robotic prosthesis. His white hipster glasses gleaming in the sunlight.
“How the fuck is this happening?” I told myself “AVA GET THE FUCK DOWNSTAIRS NOW!” I screamed. She did as she was told as I strapped the pillow onto my back and waited.
“You wanna know how Mr. Jefferson is back?” The pillow asked
“Indulge me” I said
“Whomever the group outside works for had the means to bring him back the same way they brought back Ava. But considering how well he looks it must have been pretty recent.”
The small army of men had assembled outside my cabin. Mr. Jefferson walked to the front carrying a bullhorn.
“ASSHOLES INSIDE. BRING ME THE GIRL AND WE WILL LEAVE WITHOUT INFLICTING HARM TO YOU OR YOUR PROPERTY. BE A FUCKING IDIOT AND WE WILL BE FORCED TO BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND, AND THEN WE WILL TAKE THE GIRL WITH FORCE. YOUR CHOICE, BITCHES.”
“What do I do, pillow?”
“Not much of choice, step outside and hope the don’t blast your ass into oblivion on the spot.”
“Thanks, douche.” I said as I stepped outside with my Katana in its sheath. Mr. Jefferson nearly dropped his bullhorn
“You…” he said
“Fuck off. I’m not the one who fucked up a bunch of girls for the sake of abstract art.” I said
“A noble sacrifice that did not go in vain. Especially Maxine. Speaking of, word is that her only offspring is inside. Now...like I said before. Give the girl to us and we’ll leave you alone. Try and get in our way and we’ll fuck you up.”
“Sure, but first. How in the hell are you here after Gordon turned you into nothing.”
Mr. Jefferson laughed
“yeah, that fucker. You see. I had been dead a long time, but the good doctor found me and brought me back to the realm of the living. Now I am stronger than ever, and if you’re wondering why I have the bionic arm. It’s because it makes me look like even more of a badass. The sole purpose for my return is to wrangle in all the little shits that escaped, and in return he’d let me keep the girl you have inside. And like that filthy bitch Chloe, the girl got washed down the creek and into this shit timeline. It’s a new age, Raiden, we both know that. The world NEEDS my photography, and I’ll sure as shit give it to them. And what better subject to start with than the daughter of Max Caulfield.”
I unstrapped the pillow. “Go to the car, and wait for me.”
“You got it, Raiden.” the pillow said as a very convenient gust of wind carried the pillow towards the shop where I kept Keems old supercar.
Once I was alone I unshitted my Katana and pulled the brim of my fedora down low. “Sorry , Mr. Jefferson, but the girl is staying with me.”
Mr. Jefferson laughed again “is that so. Team 1. Deal with this piece of shit, then go inside and get the girl...ALIVE.” He walked to the back of the army and about 10 hipster soldiers moved slowly towards me.
“Heh, amateurs.” I said and corkscrewed into the air and brought my sword down on one of the hipsters, cutting him clean in half. The others started firing. I ducked down as they hit each other. The tards made a semi-circle around me. 5 more hipsters moved in. I slashed down 3 of them but the other two got too close to use my sword. They pinned me down while another grabbed my katana. Mr. Jefferson walked up and aimed his pistol right into my face.
“You know, that’s pretty weak for someone who is supposedly the last saucerer in this timeline.
“HEY” a voice screamed from the cabin. It was Ava
Mr Jefferson’s attention shifted completely towards her.
“Well, look who came to their senses. Come with me and I’ll take you back home.”
Ava looked him square in the eyes.
“That shithole isn’t my home.”
Ava then turned around and pulled down her pants. Mr. Jefferson barely got out of the way in time to avoid the fireshit Ava spewed from her ass. Incinerating half of the hipsters in an instant. They began scream unearthly screams as they melted. This was my chance, I used what little sauce magic I had and incinerated the faces of the two hipsters pinning me down. I got up and quickly grabbed my sword. Ava was still busy spewing fireshit when a hipster carrying a flame-thrower challenged her. Ava dove out of the way just in time to avoid being hit by the napalm, instead my cabin took the brunt of the flames. In an instant my entire house was incinerated. I grabbed Ava by the hand and ran towards the shop. The pillow was sitting in the backseat, waiting. I hopped into the driver's seat, Ava got into the passenger's seat, and I started the thing up. For being over 80 years old the car ran immaculately. I peeled out of the shop and flew down the road. I checked the rear view mirror to see Mr. Jefferson standing there, holding a remote and smirking. Behind him was the remains of my cabin. Completely engulfed in flames. I couldn’t stop to feel sad, we had a long way to go and a short time to get there. Then the pillow chimed in.
“I’m sorry Raiden.” it said
“Me too.” I said
“Where are we going?” Ava asked
“Maine...whatever is there will keep you safe. But….how did you do that?”
“The fireshit? I don’t know just something I’ve always been able to do. We all had some special ability back in the hospital. That was mine.”
“Well it certainly came in handy. And one more thing...who was ‘the good doctor’ Mr. Jefferson was talking about?”
“I’m not sure, I had only ever seen him once, and that was just his backside. We were told to call him Dr. W.”
CHAPTER 4: On The Road
Mr. Jefferson walked up and down in front of the rows of hipsters. He was one salty boi.
“A fucking pillow. An angsty teenager, and a 90 year old retard with a sword and a fedora. How in the FUCK did you shits let them get away?"
One particularly scrawny hipster sporting pink hair and a long beard stepped forward.
“Mr. Jefferson…they have sauce magic, and we haven’t had a taste of soy in months. We’re barely able to stand up.”
Mr. Jefferson drew his pistol and shot the hipster in the head. The other faggots were frozen in place from fear. Mr. Jefferson spoke once more.
“No shit we haven’t had soy in months. Why the fuck do you dumbshits think we need the LambSauce? Just a drop of it and we’ll be able to synthesize enough soy to last us generations. Unfortunately we have to kill those two fucks to get it. But it looks like that will be too hard for you retards to accomplish.”
Just then the portal grew. Jeeps, Trucks, and Helicopters came spewing out. A makeshift bridge had been built above the creek to make it easier to exit the portal.
“Great, now i have to tell the boss that we lost the girl and she’s with some retard and his cartoon pillow.” Mr. Jefferson said and made his way to where the helicopter had touched down.
The helicopters door opened and a tall man stepped out carrying a briefcase.
“I see from the melted bodies and lack of soy you idiots failed to get the girl. How in the hell did ONE girl get away?”
“Doctor, she had help.” Mr. Jefferson said
“Help? To get away from your group she must have had an army of her own.”
“It…was one person...with a sword.”
“You think I don’t know that? I watched the entire thing from their body cameras. If you hipster fucks want your soy...you gotta get me the girl. In which I’ll extract the sauce from her body. And you get both some of the sauce AND the girl. Is that too hard?”
“No sir.” Mr. Jefferson said, defeated.
“Good. Now don’t make me go ape on you again? You hurd?”
“I hurd” Mr. Jefferson said. The Doctor stepped back into the helicopter and flew off. Jefferson stood and watched the helicopter ascend until a female hipster with hair that looked like it had never been washed ran up to him.
“Mr. Jefferson. We got a connection to the tracker in her neck. They’re heading east. They just crossed into Wyoming.”
Mr. Jefferson lit up “Good. get everyone piled in and ready to go. We HAVE to get them before they reach Maine.”
The army of malnourished hipsters loaded up and followed the tracker.
…
I sat at the steering wheel of Keems old car. Ava was asleep, and the pillow was sitting behind me. It didn’t need to sleep. Its voice made me jump out of my near catatonic state.
“We need to tell her.”
“Jesus you scared the fuck out of me….tell her what?”
“About where she came from.”
“You mean Gordon and Max?” I asked
“Yes and that she’s a clone.”
“I’m not entirely-”
I was interrupted by a fit of violent coughs. They were so bad I had to pull over. Once I was finished I saw that the windshield was covered in my blood.
“We also need to talk your health. Your body simply isn’t able to cope with the endurance needed for sauce spells, and just that bit of fighting was enough to bust some of the alveolus in your lungs. Raiden, it has been over 50 years since your last fight and I’m not sure how much your body can handle.”
I wiped the blood off the windshield and began driving again. “I’ll be fine.” I said
“Maybe, but you definitely need to find a spot to rest. I can see it in your eyes. There’s a nice hotel about 5 miles up the road.”
I drove and sure enough a very nice hotel was exactly were the pillow said it was.
I pulled in and woke up Ava. I strapped pillow to my back and we went inside. The desk clerk looked about as tired as I was. We took the elevator up and got into our room.
The room had two beds. I had one and Ava took the other. Pillow sat in the chair in the corner of the room. Ava was out before we had even settled in. That fireshit must have really zapped her. I went into the bathroom to clean myself up. I looked in the mirror and barely recognized myself. No wonder the clerk was acting so funny. I had dried blood caked onto my face and beard. At least my eyepatch made it out okay. I slowly took it off to check my eyehole. Yep, still disgusting. I took a nice shower to clean. Then I realized I didn’t have clean clothes. Rather than put on the dirty clothes I already had, I went out to find a fresh set.
And yes, I did it bare-assed (except for my fedora). I got plenty of frightened looks, but nobody had the balls to try and stop a 90 year old man naked and with only one good eye. I found a 24 hour store and bought not only clothes for me, but for Ava. Girls are weird when it came to that sort of thing. Since she was half-hipster I bought her jeans that were two sizes too small and a t-shirt with some shitty obscure hippity-hop band. I went back to the hotel room in fresh clothes and laid down on the bed. I was asleep in an instant.
CHAPTER 5: The Hotel
“Raiden...you should tell her?”
“Gordon? Is this another one of those dreams again?”
“Yea boi. You need to tell Ava where she came from...My fucking balls.”
“That’s easier said than done, Gordon.”
“Don’t give a fuck. Get it done, and also there’s a tracker in her neck. That's how they've found you so fast."
“SERIOUSLY? You’re JUST NOW telling me?”
“Raiden I’m currently in real hell. I have bigger problems. They know where you are. Wake up. Oh and one more thing”
“What?” I asked Gordon
“Pls don’t fuck my daughter.”
I woke up panting. I checked the other bed and to my horror Ava was gone, but pillow was still sitting in the chair.
“PILLOW, WHERE DID SHE GO?”
“Downstairs to get breakfast, chill brosef.”
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME PILLOW, THEY’VE FOUND US. THEY HAVE A FUCKING TRACKER IN HER NECK.”
With that I flew out of the room and downstairs to where they were serving breakfast. There was Ava, sitting at a table drinking a cup of covfefe.
I ran up to the table and grabbed her by the arm
“We gotta go, NOW.” I said
“What...why?” she asked concerned.
“They know we’re here. They’ve been tracking you. Raise up your hair."
She did as she was told and there it was. A small scar no more than an inch long.
“Did you know?” I asked
“How the fuck would i know? It itched every once in a while but I thought it was a mosquito bite.”
“We gotta get pillow and get the FUCK out of here.”
We ran upstairs, but not until I grabbed a steak knife. I was gonna need it. When we got upstairs I peaked out the window and saw a convoy of black trucks turning into the parking lot. Before I knew it there was hundreds of well armed hipsters with various hair colors. And there he was...Mr. Jefferson.
I looked over to Ava. “ We gotta cut it out NOW.”
“NO WAY. THAT WILL FUCKING HURT”
“WE DON’T HAVE A GODDAMN CHOICE, AVA.”
Pillow joined in.
“Raiden is right. We have 0 chance if we don’t get the tracker out of your neck.”
“...fine...fine FINE. JUST MAKE IT QUICK”
“Lie down on the bed, and grab something to bite.”
She laid down on her stomach and grabbed a pillow to bite into. I lifted up her hair to expose the scar. I figured quicker is better and in an instant plunged the steak knife deep into her neck. She started thrashing and began to scream into the bed. I cut deeper and deeper into her neck while trying to avoid anything vital. She threw her head back out of instinct and nearly pushed the knife too far. I was forced to mount her with one knee on her back and another right on her head. I pushed deeper and deeper while her screams grew more and more dire. Finally I felt the tip of the knife hit something hard. I twisted the knife sideways to open the cut wider. The pain caused Ava to pass out...which was for the best. I wiggled the knife until the tracker came loose and slowly made its way to the surface of her neck. When it was close enough I used two fingers and pulled it out. It was minuscule, but needed to be taken out. I threw it onto the floor and smashed it. I looked over to Ava, who was still unconscious. Blood was leaking from her neck fast. I had to wrap it in ripped bedsheets. Far from hygienic, but it was the best I could do.
I looked to pillow
“Pillow...how the fuck do we get out of this one.”
“Strap me to your back and carry her over your shoulder? That’s the best I can think of.”
“Great plan, asswipe.” I told pillow
“Eat a dick.” it said.
Ava started to groan. Then pillow continued
“Yeah she’s useless. Looks like you’re gonna have to do this one your own. Stealth is optional in this mission, Raiden.”
“Fuck off with the obscure Metal Gear Solid references.” I said, but as soon as I finished my sentence I heard boyish screams from outside.
“They’re coming, stay quiet.” I told the pillow. I grabbed my Katana and prepared to fuck some shit up
The halls were narrow, so it would be impossible to be surrounded. I had no choice. I charged outside and stuck one right in the neck. His buddy took aim but I ducked just in time for him to light up the fellow with his esophagus hanging out his neck. I swiftly decapitated the hipster fuck and took his rifle. About 6 more hipsters turned the corner at the end of the hall. The only thing they saw was the onslaught of bullets rip through their pathetic bodies. I didn’t stop until the gun was empty. I peeked out into the hallways to see a pile of bodies torn apart by the bullets. I hate using rifles, but it was necessary. I went inside, grabbed pillow and Ava, and made my way down the hall. Luckily they hadn’t sent reinforcements yet. But it wouldn’t be long. We took the elevator. Just as the door closed dozens more hipsters swarmed the hallway. When we entered the lobby we were met with tons of guests slaughtered. The floor was slick with blood. I ran out the door and got to Keems car, only to see that it had been destroyed. I turned around to see the entirety of the hipster army, their guns all trained on me. Mr. Jefferson had his gay business jacket taken off and the sleeves of his white-collared shirt rolled up. Once again this motherfucker did the cliche’ bad guy thing and started talking
“Looks like you’ve ran across some bad luck, Raiden. Your only chance of escape is in flames. The girl you’re pointlessly trying to save is bloody and unconscious, and you are absolutely fucked. I do gotta give you props though, it took balls to cut out the tracker from her neck. Gordon would be proud of you, and so would Max...but it’s time to stop. You’ve cost me a lot of good men.”
I fell to my knees, there was nowhere left to run.
“We did alright, didn’t we, pillow?”
“We sure did, Raiden.”
Until I felt Ava’s stomach get the rumblies. That coffee wasn’t sitting right. A wild idea popped into my head. Maybe...just maybe this would work. I shook her as hard as I could. Her stomach started to rumble more….I pulled down her pants just in time for the stream of fireshit to exit her ass. I wielded her like a bazooka. Hipsters all around melted into nothing. Mr. Jefferson grabbed two hipsters and shielded himself from the fireshit. The two in front of him melted in his hands. As the chaos ensued and the fireshit stream ended I saw my chance to flee. I ran across the road and into the field.
…
Mr. Jefferson was livid
“WILL ONE OF YOU FUCKS PLEASE GET ME A FUCKING RIFLE.” One hipster with his hood up ran to Mr. Jefferson and handed him a sniper rifle...with only one round. Mr. Jefferson took aim at the fleeing Raiden, who was by this point at least 600 yards away. He took a single shot...and saw Raiden go down. For a moment he was satisfied, until Raiden got back up and continued to run, albeit slower than before. Mr. Jefferson cursed himself and ordered his men to mount up, but as he turned around he saw the pandamonium ensuing. About half of his forces were incinerated in the fireshit blast. He didn’t even have enough men to drive all of the vehicles. Then...the helicopter and with it the doctor touched down in the parking lot.
CHAPTER 6: Where You Cum Frum
I ran for as long as I could. By the time I collapsed from exhaustion it was already dark. I could still feel the bullet in my back. Luckily it missed my spine and my vital organs. I laid Ava down under a tree. Then pillow spoke up
“R...raiden”
“What?” I asked
“He got meh good.”
I hadn’t even thought about it until now. That’s why my guts weren’t blown out my front. Pillow had taken the shot for me. I quickly unstrapped it from my back and laid it down onto the ground. There it was...a clean shot through its “chest.”
“Raiden...I don’t think I’m coming back from this one...listen to me. Maine...is still a long ways away, but there’s a place with people that will help you. Trust the coordinates.”
I will, pillow.”
“One more thing” it asked
"Anything"
“Ava...tell her...everything. Where she comes from, who her parents are...all of it.”
“I will”
“You did good, Raiden.”
Pillow coughed up some lint…and died. If it wasn’t for him I would’ve been fucked up. I dug a grave and placed him in. When I was finished I finally felt the chill of the night. I HAD to make a fire if I wanted to keep my fingers and toes. I gathered some sticks and used what little sauce magic I had left and made a fire. I dressed Ava’s neck with fresh bandages, well...more like bedsheet rippings, and fell asleep right beside her. The bullet would have to wait.
I didn’t even get a boner. LOL.
…
The Doctor was pissed
“Not only did you destroy their mode of transportation, but you had them surrounded...and they STILL got away. On top of that he had a sword, and your army was armed with rifles.”
“Yes sir, but Raiden used the girls fireshit ability while she was unconscious. I don’t know how he did it.”
The Doctor swung a mighty left hook which connected with Mr. Jefferson's cheek. His glasses flew off as he fell to the ground.
“Mark….if they get away again while you’re too busy monologuing our deal is as good as dead. I have hundreds of clients who would kill to be in the position you’re in. But seeing as you and your entire army is as competent as a bunch of children. I brought in some help.”
The doctor walked over to a particularly large truck and undid the heavy bolts holding the door closed.
“Come on...time to go to work.” the doctor said to the darkness
Mr. Jefferson staggered to his feet and grabbed his glasses just in time to see a monstrosity of a human step out of the back. Its hands and feet chained in shackles that no normal human could lift. The doctor pulled a key from his labcoat pocket and undid the shackles, which fell to the ground in a heavy “clang.”
“Go find them.” The doctor said
The beast tipped its fedora and naruto ran in the direction of Raiden and the girl at superhuman speeds. The doctor then looked to Mr. Jefferson. Who had a fresh welp swelling up on his cheek and a small stream of blood leaking from his nostril.
“Clean yourself up. Be ready to move in once he finds them.”
“Y-yes sir.” Mr. Jefferson stuttered out, and the hipsters were back on the road.
...
When I woke up the sun was barely peeking through the branches. The fire had made it through the night, but I was still freezing. Ava was still asleep. I figured I’d go out to get something to eat, but when I got up the bullet shot a burning pain through my back and I fell back to the ground.
“PILLOW. WHAT DO-”
Shit. pillow was dead. I had forgotten. I didn’t have the time or energy to feel totally sadface. I wasn’t sure how much sauce magic was left, but I HAD to get the bullet out. I summoned what Sauce magic I could, but the bullet stayed still. I tried harder and harder, until finally I could feel it move inside my back. I gritted my teeth as it inched its way further and further out. Until it fell onto the cold ground. With the bullet out a whole new flow of blood came from the hole. So much so I had to take off my shirt, exposing my sexy ass bod. Decades of chopping wood has allowed for my body to get SWOL as fuck. I searched for a source of water and found a flowing creek. I took a long drink and dipped my now red shirt into it. Everyone knows a creek is the safest and most reliable source of water. Luckily the sun was rising and the biting cold of the night began to dissipate. When I returned to our camp Ava was awake and holding her neck.
“How are you feeling?” I asked
“It hurts.” she said between her teeth.
“You have to let me check.” I said
She reluctantly agreed and I slowly peeled off her bandage. When it got to the actual wound it was stuck on by the dried blood. The cut had to get air or infection would set in half the time.
“Ava, this is gonna fucking hurt, but if I don’t remove the bandage you could get a very nasty infection. The bandage has stuck right to the cut. I need you to grit your teeth and count to 3.”
“...1”
I slowly peeled back with as little force as possible until it reached the deepest point.
“2”
her breathing started to speed up. I had no choice. I pulled as hard as I could. The bandage took the scab off with it. A fresh batch of blood leaked from the cut...the cut that I had made. Her scream grated against my ears as the bandage had finally came off.
“3” I said and threw the bandage into the dying fire.
Ava broke down into hysterical crying. Then she did something I didn’t expect. She pulled me close to her. Like a child holding a parent after getting hurt. I was at a loss of what to do. This was the closest I had ever gotten to a female...that was alive that is. I tried to get up but she latched her arms around me in an iron-grip...I didn’t know what else to do, so I returned the favor and put my arms around her as she cried into my shoulder. I then had to choke back vomit from the absolute cringe of this part. But every story like this has to have a real heart-to-heart moment, so here you go...faggot.
Anyways, there we were sitting in the woods in an embrace that I would never forget. Finally she let go. She wiped her nose on her sleeve and sat back on the tree. She winced as the pain in her neck kept her from completely resting her head on the tree. After a few minutes she asked, through hitched breaths, the question I had been dreading to answer.
“W-where’s pillow?” she asked
I didn’t have the words to tell her, so I got up and led her to pillow’s grave. Once we got there her already misty eyes welled up again with tears as she fell to her knees in front of the pile of stones.
Do girls ever get tired of fucking crying? I thought to myself as I noticed her clasp her hands together. Oh no...oh this bitch isn’t really gonna pull this shit is she? But alas, my cringe meter topped out as she got up.
“What was that?” I asked
“I was praying. It makes me feel better.”
Ermagerd...the cringe from this bitch was making my fucking head hurt. I decided to drop a fucking truth bomb on her tight little ass and really earn my right to wear this fedora.
“Hate to break it to you, but you’re prayers are going unanswered. Take it from me. There’s nothing but a dark lonely pit waiting for us...well you. I have a comfy spot in purgatory waiting for me."
She almost looked insulted “How could you SAY that?” she asked
“Because I’ve been there. Years ago Gordon and I were killed and woke up in Hell. There’s NOTHING exciting or pleasurable or nice about dying. Nothing but darkness and loneliness and pain, and there’s a place in Hell ESPECIALLY for people like you...filthy hipsters...get fucked, normie."
I would have continued...but Ava’s eyes started to fill up with tears again. I sighed
“I...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Ava’s eyes switched from sadness to anger in an instant.
“I have lived my entire life in a FUCKING hospital. Subjected to constant harassment and torture...never given a moment of privacy. Is it really SO WRONG to believe in something….better? I have nothing. No family, no place to call home. I don’t even know where I fucking came from.”
If there was ever a time to tell her where she came from...it was now.
“Ava...what I’m about to tell you is gonna sound crazy, but I promise you it’s entirely true. Lets go sit back by the tree and leave Pillow be.”
We made our way back to the tree and sat down. I took a deep breath and began.
“Okay. It began over 70 years ago. I met a man by the name of Gordon Ramsay. He was probably one of the top chefs in the world. You got your cooking from him.”
“I got my cooking from him? What do you mean?”
“He’s your father, Ava.”
Ava’s eyes grew wide. Before she was able to ask another question I continued
But he wasn’t JUST a chef. He was what they call a ‘saucerer.’ He was able to use a magic concoction called the LambSauce and create powerful spells. But there were people...bad people...who wanted to take the LambSauce and use it for their own personal gain. Some wanted power, some wanted fame...some wanted...other things. About 5 years after I had met Gordon something happened. Someone had stolen the LambSauce...a man by the name of Mr. Jefferson.”
“The man with the robot arm that has been chasing us?” Ava asked
“Yes. His motives for getting the sauce were….different. I’m not 100% on his story, but I know he was a teacher. He had this student he was mirin’ hard. For good reason, she was really something else. Her name was Max. She...is your mother.”
“Wow...so I really do have parents?” she asked excitedly
“Yeah. Don’t ask me how, but Gordon Ramsay and this Max girl are your parents. You really look a lot like her. but there’s more...a lot more.”
“Okay” she said
“Anyways. Mr. Jefferson one day decided to do some….really bad things. He kidnapped Max and took her to his torture chamber. He did a lot of things you don’t need to hear about. Once Gordon and I caught wind of him we went to go stop him.”
“All by yourselves?” she asked
“No….we had one other person with us. Two actually. One was this quirky blue haired girl named Chloe. I never like her much...always thought of her as a filthy cunt. Word on the street is she died not long after we left their timeline. Serves her right for being so edgy. But the other was a man named Keem. He was the third member. His end was...tragic, but I’ll get to him later. On top of everything I was a LOT younger. Anyways, the four of us went into their timeline to find the LambSauce. We actually didn’t know what Mr. Jefferson was doing until we found his chamber...and Max inside. She was fucked up...real bad. Gordon and Mr. Jefferson fought while Chloe and I tended to Max. Eventually Gordon defeated Mr. Jefferson and turned him into a pile of nothing. When we finally got Max untied we could truly see just how bad it was. Like I said before I’ll spare you the details, but Max died in that place. She was about your age actually, and for the longest time I couldn’t get over it.”
“Wow...that must have been hard for you...for all of you.” Ava said with empathy
“It was. But I got a second chance. Years later someone else had stolen the LambSauce. He was very powerful. He went by the name LA Beast. He killed Gordon with his own spell, and I saw the whole thing take place. I stupidly charged him in blind rage, but was quickly killed myself. Took my head off in one punch. That should’ve been the end of us...but it wasn’t. We woke up in Hell. That’s where we met Max for a second time. We were on our way when we stumbled across a pit filled to the brim with hipsters killing one another. We figured that if she was in Hell, she’d be down there. I made my way through the bloodshed and eventually found your mother. Only for her to do THIS.”
I pulled my eye patch up to show Ava the eyehole. She cringed backwards. I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Yeah it fucking hurt, but the cool eyepatch made up for it. Now that we had Max we journeyed through Hell. Until we met an entity who was willing to strike a deal with us. He offered to send TWO of us back, but in return one of us had to go to a much darker spot in Hell. Max volunteered. Apparently Chloe, the blue haired girl, had messed up and landed herself a painful spot in Hell, and Max wanted to spend the rest of eternity with her. Even if that meant suffering eternal torment. The ignorant bitch really regretted her idea when the scorched hands drug her down. That was the end of your mother. I stayed in contact with the use of sauce spells and a ouija board. She REALLY regrets it now. Anyways, me and Gordon were sent back up. We were nearly defeated a second time. Gordon was beaten and battered, and yours truly had to step to the plate. I had the ever loving shit beat out of me, but in a twist of fate the knife I used had turned Beast’s spell against him. That was the last time I saw Gordon for a very long time. 35 years later we met. At Max's grave. I was going to suicide myself, but Gordon stopped me at the very last second. He told me to live….free and without battle. Those were his last words before he died. And here I am doing his fucking dirty laundry.”
“What about Keem?” she asked
“Oh yeah...it turns out he betrayed us to LA Beast, and then attempted to betray him too, but it backfired and he burned himself alive, but didn’t die. He lived the remainder of his days as a vegetable, until Gordon mercifully pulled the plug.”
“One more question...if this all happened so long ago, then why am I only 18? Shouldn’t I be much older.”
“Well...Max had an abortion.”
“An abortion? She didn’t...want me?” Ava asked
“Ava...she was 18...she wasn’t ready for a child. Now I’m not saying what she did was right or wrong, but she was just your age...still naive and full of autistic angst. Anyways, someone must have caught wind of you being the child of Gordon Ramsay and took the DNA from the fetus. Within the last 20 years you must have been created. You’re a clone...Ava, but don’t let that deter you. You’re still very much their child, you just took the long way to growing up.”
“This..this is too much. The stories I’ve heard...the Lambsauce and the saucerers...they were real.” she said and rubbed her temples
“I used to wonder about all that myself. I thought it was a bunch of mumbo jumbo. A magical power holding together good and evil. Crazy thing is...it’s true. The LambSauce and the saucerers...all of it.”
I paused for dramatic affect
“It’s all true”
Ava looked overwhelmed and leaned back onto the tree. I decided to throw in one last bit of badass dialogue
“And I’m the last one.”
I could see the question inside her blue eyes...Gordon’s eyes.
“Am I a saucerer? Just like Gordon? Just like...my father?”
A small smile found its way onto my face. Her question was so…innocent.
“I’m not sure...you have special abilities for sure. But the true extent of your power is something you’ll have to find out for yourself. but enough for now...we need to get moving. We’re still a days walk away from the coordinates.”
I got to my feet and helped Ava up as we journeyed deeper into the northern wilderness. Not even mad that my shirt got fucked up. This 12 pack is the sex.
Chapter 7: KYS, fgt.
“THERE’S A ROAD!” Ava exclaimed.
“Good. now we actually have something to follow.”
“Yeah...but not just that.” she trailed off. I knew what she was thinking
“You wanna steal a car? Seriously?” I asked
“Beats walking” she replied
She was right, but my fucked up moral compass was for some reason against it.
“I’m not sure that-” I was cut off by a chill going down my spine. Something wasn’t right
“...we’re being stalked.” I said and drew my sword “Ava...get in those bushes and don’t come out until I say so.”
She did as she was told and hid in the brush on the opposite side of the road. I scoured the darkness of the forest…until it stepped out from behind a tree...Its trench coat barely touching the ground...its fedora pulled down impossibly low. It’s neckbeard flowing in the wind. It...was me. A much younger me
“What the fuck” I said as the thing drew its own sword. Finally it looked up and I could see that it had both of its eyes...both of which were filled with an empty void of something with no soul...a fucked up experiment. A clone...of me.
“What..are YOU” I said
The thing looked me in my one good eye and opened its mouth.
“I’m you...but better” and charged at superhuman speeds. I narrowly avoided its stab and managed to slash it across its back. It wailed in agony but didn’t slow down for an instant. It got back up and swung at me. I blocked it and jabbed at the thing with my sword. The monster caught my by the arm and snapped it in half. Just like Beast did all those years ago. I fell to the ground and tried to use my left hand. Without my right arm I was next to useless. I was barely able to block its attacks until it finally just uppercut me right under my chin. I came clean off the ground and landed on my back. The monster stood over me and raised its sword high into the air
“OMAHA MOO SHITDINDU” it said and just before it brought down its sword it was blasted by a massive fireshit attack. I pushed myself back and watched as the monster still didn’t go down, it actually stood its ground...for an instant. Eventually it DID fall to its knees. Before Ava was able to finish it off she ran out of energy. Once the attack was over the monster started to crawl towards her. Despite the screaming pain I got to my feet and grabbed my sword. I stood over the monster as I stabbed it straight through its heart. It had finally ceased moving, but was far from dead. We didn’t have time to deal with it anymore. I looked over to Ava who was running towards me.
“We gotta go” I said and fell over. I don’t remember much, but I remember her somehow getting us a car…then getting me into the car. Then her driving.
I woke up sometime later. I wasn't sure where we were. Ava wasn’t in the car. I quickly got out but fell onto the ground in my haste. We were in some grassland...then I saw the ridge in front of me...and the people standing on top of it. I passed out again to push the plot forward.
…
“A damn shame” the doctor said while standing over his newest creation.
“Who knew Raiden still had it in him” Mr. Jefferson asked
“I didn’t. I’m amazed at his gumption. It takes some real guts to be able to kill a younger and stronger version of yourself...he is a perfect clone of Raiden.” The doctor replied
“Speaking of how and why did you get the DNA needed to clone him?” Mr. Jefferson was curious
“When Raiden was younger he jerked it literally everywhere. It wasn’t that hard to find a DNA sample. And why? You’d think the best person to kill you is yourself...but I guess Raiden is the exception.”
“Guess so...but we know where they’re going. Our drones have found the location of the remaining subjects that escaped”
“Good...no holding back on this one. Go in with everyone and everything…this is your last chance Mark. And I’m not just saying that from a business standpoint. This is LITERALLY your last chance. They slip through your fingers this time and they will be able to spread through the world.”
The doctor produced a syringe and stuck it into the neck of the clone...the beast jerked and screamed a guttural roar, but in an instant he was completely healed. The beast got up and got back into the truck he started off in. The doctor then turned his attention back to Mr. Jefferson
“Mark..I’ve heard of your motivations for taking this job, and to be perfectly honest I think it’s sorta fucked up...but who am I to judge. Remember our deal, you get some sauce, and free reign on the girl. Use this as motivation to not be a colossal fuckup...if you complete this assignment we will definitely become regular business partners.”
“You got it doctor.” Mr. Jefferson said
“Call me Warryn...Doctor Warryn. That’s how much confidence I have in you.” The doctor said as he got back into the helicopter.
Mr. Jefferson knew it was do-or-die this time.
...
“Raiden...Raiden wake up.”
I woke up to Ava shaking me by the shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my own skin. But Ava calmed me down
“Raiden...we’re safe here. They patched both of us up.”
“They?” I sat up from the cot and looked at the ramshackle house. It looked as though it had been built a century ago. It’s a miracle it was still standing. I looked down to see my arm was in a cast and the slashes on my body were bandaged up.
“Yeah...they. Why don’t we step outside so you can get some air.” Ava helped me to my feet as I limped my way out of the shack and into the daylight. We were on a mountain. I could see the grasslands for miles in all directions. An equally old watchtower stood right beside the shack. Then I noticed the others. The all looked to be about Ava’s age, and they all shared a strange resemblance to each other...they were all children of the sauce.
“All of you came from the hospital?” I asked Ava
“All of us” she replied.”
“So what are you all gonna do from here?”
“We’re gonna cross into Canada and hopefully gain asylum...so I guess you’ve done your job.” she looked sad as she said it
“It hadn’t even crossed my mind, but yeah...I guess I have” I said
“Is it okay if you stay...just for tonight.” she asked. Her eyes conveying a sense of longing.
Those fucking eyes of hers...the type I’d keep in a jar back home...home.
I have no home...I’ve lost everything to this. I’ve even lost the only friend I had left.
“Yeah Ava, I’ll stay the night and see to it you and the others get off on a good foot.”
She didn’t show it, but I could tell she was relieved I wasn’t leaving her yet.
As night drew on Ava and the others eventually went to sleep. I decided to sit up in the tower and stand watch. The tranquility of the night had allowed me to slip into my own little world, from which I was dragged out of by a voice behind me.
“Quite a view, isn’t it?” the voice said
I turned around to see a taller boy. I figured he was the leader. He had blonde spiky hair, the same as Gordon.
“It certainly is.” I said
“So she picked the name Ava, didn’t she. We weren’t given names back in the hospital. Some of the others had already chosen their new names, but a few of us, me included, wanted to wait until we were truly free before we gave ourselves names. Until then I’m just a number.”
and the boy continued
“Ava told us about all you’ve done for her….thank you.” The boy said
“Don’t worry...it was something I signed up to do...years ago.”
“Yeah, she also told us about some of the things you had done. Did you really know him? Gordon I mean.”
“I did, I knew him very well. He was something else.” I said
The boy seemed genuinely interested
“Did he really do all those things. Did he really visit other worlds and fight bad guys and stuff?”
I chuckled “We both did, but to be honest Gordon did most of the fighting. I learned everything I know from him. That’s why I brought Ava here...after all he had done for me it was the least I could do. But it has cost me so much...my home. My friend...and now it’s gonna cost me Ava.”
The boy looked me right in my eye “I think it’s gonna hurt her more”
“Yeah I bet. When we first set off she was merely baggage...but now that we’re here. I...care. If that makes sense. Anyways, you should probably go down and get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow” I told the boy
“I came up here to tell you the same thing...it’s fine really, I’ve slept a good few hours”
“Yeah..the tower is yours my d00d.” I said and patted him on the shoulder as I walked past. I made my way down the tower and back to my cot. I was out within minutes.
“Raiden”
“Gordon...I’m leaving tomorrow. I’ve done what I need to do.”
“Raiden...they won’t make it...not without your help.”
“We’re in the middle of nowhere. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” I replied
“Mr. Jefferson and his army of hipster douches found this place two days ago. They’re waiting for them to make their move.”
“Are you kidding me, Gordon”
“I am not. Wake up, Raiden, they left an hour ago.”
I woke up and was on my feet in moments. I quickly searched the area to see that I was the only one left. When I returned to the shack I found a note
"Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. We left for Canada. Thank you so much for getting me to my friends. Use the syringe to quickly heal up your cuts and broken arm."
USE IT SPARINGLY
-Ava
I picked up the syringe and read the label
*Lambsauce XXX*
The same Sauce that Gordon had used when he tore Jake Paul's throat out. I couldn’t believe the children got their hands on some of that shit, I thought it was all gone. This might have been what the hospital was giving the children. I injected a tiny amount and suddenly I felt like I was young again. My arm cracked and felt as good as new and my cuts closed up instantly. I tucked the rest into my pocket; grabbed my sword and Fedora and flew out the door and down the mountain. I had a lot of ground to make up.
CHAPTER 8: Raiden and Ava
“Jesus these kids can run”
I said out of breath and lying on a log.
I didn’t know how much farther I could make it. The drop of LambSauce XXX I injected was wearing off. I had no choice, I got out the rest of the syringe and injected every last drop into my veins. In an instant I was surging with energy and sprinted faster than I had ever done before. In no time at all I caught up with the children and the army of hipsters...I produced my katana and slashed one hipster clean in half at the waist. By the time their buddy hit the ground the others turned around and started firing. I took bullet after bullet as I made my way through the small detachment. By the time I got to the last one he was clean out of ammo. I impaled him in the gut and stuck him to a tree with his feet dangling just a few inches off the ground. I leaned in close and took a large chunk out of his throat out with my teeth. I unpinned him and watched as he fell to the ground. As he gurgled on his blood I let out a deafening “REEEEEEEEE” so loud every hipster had to have heard it.
…
Ava and the others were making their way through the trees trying their best to avoid the hipsters. She had seen many of her friends get captured, but she was determined to make it to the border….for Pillow...and for Raiden. She was sprinting when in the distance she heard the screams of hipsters followed by a guttural roar only a true tard could muster.
“Raiden” she thought and turned around to go help him.
…
“WHY DO YOU FUCKS KEEP COMING. WHY WON’T YOU ALL JUST FUCK OFF” I screamed at the mutilated bodies of the hipsters. But no, those fucks just can’t listen. I was busy slicing through the throat of a hipster when one of the fucks tried to sneak up on me. Luckily, he was quickly melted into nothing by Ava’s fireshit.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING. KEEP RUNNING!” I screamed as I finally separated the hipsters head from his body.
“Raiden...your body.” she said while stammering.
It hadn’t even crossed my mind, but I had been taking bullet after bullet, and my entire body was covered in holes seeping dark red blood.
“I’M FINE, BUT WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING.” I grabbed Ava by the hand and led her towards the children, but before we got there we were surrounded by a small group of hipsters and a man in a doctors coat. I would've been able to fight them off with the use of the LambSauce XXX, but not with Ava right beside me.
“Hello Raiden, you’ve really been a pain in my fucking Ass.”
“Who are you?”
“I am Doctor Warryn Graham. A fucking waste of a character. Like seriously, I had so much potential, but no. So now I’m gonna fuck your shit up.”
Just then Ava produced a small bag of a pure white substance. I saw it and could tell by its wretched smell what it was
Soy
Ava opened the bag and threw it towards Doctor Graham. He laughed, but the hipsters all looked at him like he was lunch. Their soy deprived minds and bodies compelled them to pounce on him. He screamed in agony as he was torn apart by the ravenous army of hipsters. Blood and flesh was strewn about by the hipsters as they slaughtered one another for a taste of the soy. We used this to our advantage and GTFO’d.
We got closer and closer to the border, but the LambSauce XXX had began to wear off. I started feeling the bullets in my body and I coughed up blood by the mouthfuls. I was slowing Ava down, but no matter what she would not leave me. As we ran I sensed him...my clone. I tried to convey to Ava to just run.
“A-ava…get away…leave m-” before I could get it out a large sword impaled me in the chest. I let out a scream of agony as I was dragged away from Ava by the monster we had met earlier. He threw me into a truck and impaled me to it with his sword like it was nothing. He then took my own sword and snapped it across his knee like it was a twig. I was useless. And there he was, Mr. Jefferson. He made his way towards me while the beast subdued Ava.
“You know...that was really smart of you two to use Soy to turn my hipsters against me, but that won’t save your asses. You will finally fucking die. And the girl will become my greatest project.”
“F-FUCK YOU” I screamed at him. He laughed and pulled out a pistol
“Raiden...I gotta give it to you, you have really improved from the last time I saw you. Looks like you at least grew the balls to not hide behind Gordon like he was a meatshield.”
He then fired a shot into each of my shoulders. The searing bullets shattering bones as they made a clean hole. He reached down and ripped off my fedora.
"For a better shot." he said and aimed right at my forehead.
“Nice knowing yo-” His mocking quickly turned to screaming as the pistol he was using and his robotic arm was melted off by the fireshit. Ava for a split second broke away from my clone and used her fireshit ability.
“YOU FUCKING BITCH. JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER. STRONG AND FUCKING STUPID” he turned his attention towards Ava. who was once again subdued by the beast. He bitch slapped her across the face. When she fell to the ground he gut kicked her. The force of his kick caused her to puke onto the ground.
I didn’t have much left. Somehow my arms still worked. I grabbed the hilt of the sword pinning me to the wheel of the truck and pulled. I screamed in agony as I could feel the sword pulling my lungs with it. Eventually I got it out and somehow managed to get to my feet with the sword. I limped my way to Mr. Jefferson who was fully enveloped in beating the shit out of Ava whose face was now bruised and bloody. I finally got within slicing distance and did the deed. A clean sweep at his neck. His head came off in a magnificent arch of blood as his head flew off his body. Mr. Jefferson fell down in a heap. I fell to the ground beside Ava. The monster picked me up by the throat and threw me like a baseball into one of the trucks, the sheer force left a dent in the hardened metal. I felt my ribs and multiple other bones shatter from the impact.
I only had one hope left. I raised my hand up and did the one spell I had never been able to master.
“Cummy…..cummy…….yum”
Nothing happened.
My clone picked up the sword I had used on Mr. Jefferson and prepared to do the same to me. but before he could a powerful blast of LambSauce exploded from my hand and enveloped the clone in an ethereal light. The monster screamed before being burned to nothing. It was finally defeated.
As I laid there I could feel my blood pooling around me like warm syrup. Ava, though bruised and bloody got to her feet and ran to my side. I knew...and she knew this was the end for me. I trained my one good eye on her fading face.
“Raiden…” she said and started crying
“Beautiful...just like your mother...and your father.” I said purposely trying to be as sappy as possible.
She clasped my hand in hers. The warmth from her hands enveloping mine was something new to me. In my 90 years of existence I hadn’t felt something so...pure.
A single tear strolled down my eye.
“So….this is what it’s like.” I said
“Ava…go”
As I said this the children found us. The boy I talked to in the tower took her away from me. I used the energy I had left to turn my head toward her. The tears were steadily streaming down her face as she and the other children went deeper and deeper into the forest.
I turned back to look at the gathering storm in the sky. I heard the rustling of leaves..and there was Gordon looming over me. He squatted down beside me and spoke:
“You did good, Raiden.”
“For you”
And in an instant he was gone. I closed my eye and felt the first droplets of rain coming down. Purgatory awaits.
The end
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