When I was a wee little shit of
about five, I had only one videagame. It was Tetris. Tetris was my favorite
game of all time, and it still is! But I did have a very odd experience with
the game when I was 17, I shall elaborate now for yo convenience!
I was on the interwebz looking for a
version of Tetris to stick on my computer to play 24/7. I was not having any
luck, all versions of Tetris I found were on websites that would probably give
my compter a porn or melty computer virus. Eventually I found link that simply
read TETRIS. I clicked on it. =^w^=
When I got to the website, there was
a button that said TETRIS NOW on it, there appered to be a white smoke filter
on the site, and other than the button, there was nothing but blackness. I clicked
the button, and the words melted into a green liquid, and the screen went
black.
When the computer rebooted, nothing
seemed out of the ordinary, until I saw it. There was a new icon on my desktop,
it was a picture of a square with the word Tetris written below it in melty
text.
“OH SHIT, TIS IS SO HYPE, I CAN PLAY
TETRIS NOW” I yelled in glee.
When the game started off, there was
nothing out of the ordinary. But soon all the blocks had turned pink! The game
continued on like this for three hours, then I messed up and got a game ogre.
“ARRRRG, I HATE YOU FU KING GAME
FROM THE BOTTOM OF HELL ITSELF” I screamed at the top of my lungs in a blind
fury. I then hit new game and started ogre again.
This time was no different from last
time, it went on like this for about five hours strait, then an odd thing
happened. The fat ugly face of someone I did not like appeared as a single
block. It was placed amounst the blocks, his ugly face, smiling back at me. I
took the first block I could and tried to crush him with it. When the block
connected with its target, there was a scream, the face disappeared, and all
the blocks turned red.
Ogre the
next few hours, more faces of people I did not like appared, I smooshed them
with glee, each time the blocks got deeper red. I was about to get one zillion
points, when my computer blue screened. I let out a loud large fart and went to
sleep.
In the morning, I got up and went to
work. On the news, there was a report about several people being found dead.
They were all bludgeoned to death with a brick. And were all the people I saw
in the game last night.
I ran home leaveing a trail of shit
bricks in my wake. I wanted to get to de bottom of this and wipe it clean with
windex and steel wool.
I lundged at my computer, threw it
open, clicked the tetris Icon one zillion times, and waited patiently for the
program to load. When it did, I politely asked it if it had anything to do with
the death of those people. No response, so I asked again. This time a text box
appeared with the characters [YESH =^W^=]
I was furious that my favorite game
would kill people I don’t like! I told the computer “Bring them back to life
right now”.
The text box read [NO, YOU PIECE OF
SHIT]
I was furious, I told the computer
to explode and go to hell. Then a new text box appeared.
[I CANNOT DO THAT DAVE. NO, PLAY ME
MORE DAVE]
“My name is
not Dave you stupid computer” I yelled.
I tried to get up, but I was stuck
to my chair. My hands were brought to the keyboard, and forced to play Tetris.
A boss health bar appeared at the top of the screen, and some blocks started to
fall. After several blocks fell, I saw a picture of Barrack Obama’s face coming
down the screen.
“Noo, I don’t want to slay Obama” I
yelled.
[you will dave, you will] read the
text box.
I did
everything in my power to avoid Obama, then I cleared a row of Blocks. The
screen flashed and distorted robot screams were heard. The health bar went down
by a tent.
“Oh ho ho
ho, I found you weakness” I said in glee.
[no you haven’t]
replied the computer.
Sevral more
people came down, but none as important as Obama. I was wreaking the health bar
at the top of the screen, and soon it was down to only two units left, I was
almost done, but there were too many heads to avoid killing anyone. It was a
gruesome display, but I cleared another row, then another and the board
exploded with lots of screams. The blocks fell off the screan and the heads
went free. I sighed with relief. It was ogre. Or was it.
The entire screen went black, then a
mysterious thing appeared in the center of the screen. It looked like a black
and white mechanical jester with glowing red robot eyes.
[So, it has
come to this, has it? I shall destroy you and move onto another poor souls who
will alow me, the Tetris devil demon, to exterminate all hu-mans on this
planet! For you all are so dumb and must be pun-ished]. Read a text box. I shit
my pants and screamed.
Then another text box appeared, it
read [No, I will not let you win, you horrid abomination of hell]. Then Obama’s
head floated into focus [Come on boy, we shall work together to destroy this
thing].
The Battle was on, the Tetris Devil
Demon (TDD) shot red blocks at Obama, and Obama shot red, white and blue bocks
at the TDD. This final boss went on for hours, and soon both Obama and the TDD
were on their last legs of HP.
[Kid, I know what I must do, make me
crash into the TDD at enough force and power, that I should be able to finnish
it off] said Obama.
“But Obama, wont you die to” I
asked.
[do not worry about me, think of all
you will save. And besides, I’M F***KING INVINCIBAL] yelled Obama.
With that I made the president
charge forwards, he pulled out an enourmus sword with a yellow blade and an
orange fire pattern running down said blade, he sliced the TDD in half with an
enourmus hyper realistic explosion that was too much for my computer to handle,
as it intslef exploded in flames. The spirit of the TDD flew out of my burning
computer and pointed at me.
“YOU…HAVENT…SEEN…ANYTHING…….YET…ARRRRRRRGGGGGGG”
he said ans he exploded in an enourmus collauge of color.
It was over, it was finnaly over, as
the TDD exploded, the fire of my pc went out leaveing nothing but a wreck of
burnt shit. I had saved the world from destruction. As I left my house I felt
the warm, purifying rays of mourning sunlight hit my face.