When I was little, I lived in a town where there was a lot of bad weather. I can’t say where, though – my parents said that I’m not allowed to do so. My rebellious days are long over, anyway. There’s no point in disobeying them. Not to brag or anything, but I used to be a total fucking badass. I never asked my parents permission before going online. I also didn’t ask for permission before signing up for Club Penguin. Yeah, I’m too edgy for you, motherfucker.
[Ahem.] As I was saying, because of the bad weather, my class had many days of indoor recess. We spent most of it playing games on the school’s shitty Windows Vista computers. However, my favorite by far – as well as everyone else’s favorite – was Tux Paint. We would spend what we felt like hours (but was probably only 20 minutes) making nonsensical doodles and randomly placing stamps all over the blank canvas, with every click providing commentary from Tux the Penguin.
Fuck Tux though, he’s a total cunt for thinking he’s a special fucking snowflake just because he’s the mascot of an operating system. Now, you may be wondering, “Why do I hold such a grudge over a cartoon character?” Well, I’ll tell you. Be aware, though, that this incident has made me an emotional train-wreck, and you will most likely end up the same.
One day in fifth grade, I had just finished talking to the guidance consular and I was walking down the hallway to get back to Science class, only to find that everyone was gone! I was so confused and went all around the school, but I could not find them, so I walked back to the Science classroom and figured I’d play Tux Paint on one of the computers until they came back.
As I loaded up the program, I noticed that it was taking much longer than usual, and then I realized that it was updating itself. The launcher was also inverted in color and hyper-realistic. I wasn’t very tech-savvy then, but I knew enough from Computer Lab to know that something was wrong. Our teachers talked to us about viruses as most of the school computers were affected by the Code Red computer worm a few months before, so I figured that the program was infected with something.
The Tux Paint launcher has no exit button, so I tried to close the Window from the taskbar, only to get an error. Trying to open Task Manager made it just close itself right away, and tabbing over any of the shutdown options resulted in the same.
Out of ideas and not wanting the update to finish, worried of what it might do, I held down the power button and the computer turned off without issue. I assumed that I should leave the computer off until I could tell the teacher about it, so I tried opening the program on the computer next to the one that was apparently infected. However, that one was downloading the update, too! There was no way of escaping it.
When the update finished, loud sounds filled the entire room! I tried to run out of the classroom, but the door was locked! I pulled on it as hard as I could to try and get it open, but it the doorknob came off and flew into my stomach. I collapsed into the floor. The photo negative Tux came crawling out of the computer with his voodoo black magic. I screamed and, with no other options, got up and jumped out of the classroom window, the glass shattering onto the floor and into my skin, making sharp, bloody tears in the flesh. However, my plummet ended as abruptly as it began.
SPLAT!
I don’t know how long I was dead for. All I remember is suddenly being aware of my surroundings again and being in Hell in front of Tux the Devil! I decided I had enough of this. With all of my strength, I began to transform! “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” I screamed as I transformed into a leopard seal. I then lunged at Tux and ripped off his head, his blood splashing all over me as I feasted upon his skull and innards. However, they were poisonous! I was radioactive and cried green glowing blood as I died a second death.
I suddenly remember waking up outside the school. Paramedics were apparently able to revive my original human form. As I was being taken away in an ambulance, my peers had asked what happened to me, so I told them. They only laughed at me. “You must have forgotten to take your schizophrenia medication today,” one of them managed squeak out before laughing at my illness.
I spent the next few years in and out of various mental institutions as based on the details I had told everyone, officials deemed that I was too unstable to be in society. I only got out just recently, perhaps about a month ago. But I’m telling you, it really did happen! You want to know how I know that it wasn’t just a hallucination?! I downloaded Tux Paint earlier today and I got the same launcher! That being said, never download Tux Paint unless you are willing to perform an exorcism on your C drive and possibly become a quadgender sealkin like me!